So, I told him tonight. He asked me point blank about my August 4, 2000 node. And I admittied it was about him. I knew I should have taken that down. I don't know how long ago he read it so it might not have done any good anyway. But, the point is, he knows. And now, I feel this massive sense of relief. All this tension is gone.
He didn't have a response ready. I have a feeling he was having trouble believing it was true and he wasn't really prepared for it to be. So, maybe no, maybe yes, either way is good. If it's no I'll stop stressing about him and about all the troubles that would lie ahead. If it's yes, well, if it's yes I get to kiss him, sooner or later.
But there is one thing that I do not want. There is one thing that would be really bad, so listen up you. I do not want him to say yes because I want him. I only want him to say yes because he wants me. The truth is, me getting into a relationship right now is not a good idea. There are so many complcations in my life right now that anything less than a "YES!!!", with lots of exclamation points, would be too hard for both of us. If I'm not the right one for you please just say no. "Maybe the right one" won't work either.
I'm sorry, this sucks, to dump this on you. Especially when we work together every day. Sometimes I don't hold back when I should. And if you say no I will smile at you in the morning. I will still like, and respect, you. I will still be able to work with you, and I will be able to have fun with you. I will honestly be ok with whatever you say.
Of course, if you said you never wanted to talk to me again, that would suck, and hurt like hell.