Never Be an Engineer

mom told me there would be days like this

You'll lose your soul....

Now I sit here after a long night of studying -- looking, watching, quantitative analysis, planning, measuring, calculating, plug into the state equation, eigenvalue, characteristic equation, sum of moments about a point are zero...

but I digress....

There is so much in the world to learn, and there are so many people working so hard to develop ways for the next wave of brave young men and women to understand and expound upon those methods and ideas...

One would think that after having set his or her mind to a goal, after having latched their dream to the rising crest of the clock-cycle of their life, which they would be able to work towards such a goal -- without imaginary impedance. Are we getting less intelligent? Because there are not enough people at this school that are willing to take a hard course, with a hard professor, I will not be able to achieve my goal... my dream. My every aspiration as defined by the moments leading up to right now -- The school just won't accommodate it.

An eerie sense of trepidation and loathing settle on my skin like the oil of a three-day unwashed face. The scariest thing I've ever had to face is the idea that the basket that I've put all my eggs in may have been designed by a shitty mechanical engineer.

No road looks good from here. As far as the eye can see, there is nothing but digression or loss.
-----I stay: I lose my dream, I pick another emphasis, and I deal with it. I go about my business, and I don't get to get my Electrical Engineering degree with an emphasis in VLSI.

-----I go: I spend at least a year catching up to the standards of the university I transfer to, I spend multitudes of money at an out-of-state university, but I graduate with something I can hold to be true.

-----I stand here in the middle: I go nowhere.

The thing that I mostly forget is that this is happening all over. People are getting hosed, and people are intentionally hosing their fellow brethren. Fuck.

Thank you for being there -- only one person in the world that I can't account for. Giving up the ghost. Giving up, or giving in -- who knows. Why do I thank you in the confinement of anonymity...

sorry... I put your picture away.

Sorry for the waste of raw infectious human emotion this daylog probably isn't worth the electrons it's displacing on some faceless, nameless cluster on some undescript hard drive whirring away in some server somewhere in the world.-- my books don't care, my calculator doesn't understand, my thoughts are non-differentiable on the unbounded x-axis, but putting it in the frequency domain might help us see things a little more clearly.

Our lives must be non-homogeneous differential equations with uncertain boundary conditions... *sigh*