Some time ago, I decided to build a Linux box and gain some expertise with a real system. I set up Red Hat 7.1, X, the whole works. It got control of the DNS hostname that AT&T had kindly given me as well, so I set up Apache and a mail server, and gave all my friends an account.

Recently, my girlfriend broke up with me.

By then, she'd been using her address for quite awhile, and all her friends knew it and used it as her primary. My logs said that she was actually responsible for one-fifth of the mail traffic on my server.

I didn't really have the guts to kill the account or change her password, so I contented myself with small revenges. I wrote a daemon which executed wall every 15 seconds:

-- Broadcast message from root (tty1) Nov 16 2002 at 13:51:02 --
Get off my server, you're not wanted here.

-- Broadcast message from root (tty1) Nov 16 2002 at 13:51:17 --
Didn't you hear me? I don't know why you're still here. Leave me the hell alone.

-- Broadcast message from root (tty1) Nov 16 2002 at 13:51:32 --
I slept with your sister.

She kept showing up, though. I recompiled getty so that her account took ten minutes to log in. fortune called her a bitch at every possible opportunity. Her sessions still kept piling up.

A couple days ago, I got desperate. Driven beyond my means; I opened sendmail.

To: <her brand-new rebound boyfriend's address>
Bcc: <her parents>
Subject: I thought you'd like to know

I'm leaving. I hope none of you miss me too much, but I'm not coming back from Devner. I found a job at the airport for the time being, and this is where I'm staying. It's destiny, guys.

Love you all.

She'd really just gone to a journalism seminar in the Rockies for the weekend. Her parents freaked out and drove a third of the way across the country to find her. By some miraculous twist of fate, none of them ever realized that I'd sent the message myself; guess they weren't real hackers, after all. The police wrote it off as a weird prank, and she got paranoid and stopped using my server. I could finally disable my insult robots.

Really, everyone was happy in the end.