- In what will soon be considered one of the riskiest moves in
the history of American politics
, the flagging Democratic
Party declared a huge shift in
policy in order to gain control of the pirate
voting block which could give them the support
that they need.
"Arr, matey," Max Baucus (D-MT) announced this morning in a prepared statement to
assembled reporters. "These scurvy Republicans have hidden behind
the banner of compassionate conservatism for too long. Now is the time that tharr Democrats
reach out to our allies in the pirate industry. Um... arr."
The Republican Party immediately decried the move, launching a series of negative
advertisements responding the the Democrats' early media blitz.
"Were the Democrats in power, they would immediately launch their controversial plan to
force pirates like you to give your peg legs to the founding of a massive welfare
state." An image of George W. Bush was then overlaid above an American flag. "Arr, fellow
Republican voters. Arr indeed."
Tom Brokaw, off camera, was heard to say "What is this shit?" He later apologized.
"Some pundits are claiming that the pirate demographic, constituting a remarkable one-one
thousandth of a percent of the American voters, is too small to make a significant change in
the election process," Tom Daschle (D-SD) said in his speech to the Senate this morning.
"The Democrats respectfully disagree. Frankly, at this point, we'll do just about anything for
an extra eight or nine votes."
Daschle's proposed bills on timber-shivering, sword control, and universal eye-patch insurance were later struck down in committee.