nothing has worked
i am a loser and a failure in my own life
nearly 44 without anything to show for it.
nothing that proves i an worhtwhile in and of myself. nothing to separate me from the numb herd of humanity.
i am not anyone someone could point to and say, "oh, he's a great guy. really good at (anything). and he has a great job as (whatever)."
those sentences would never be sent my way.
i am overweight, out of shape, stupid, unintelligent, stuck too long in a job i despise with no absolutely no hope of ever getting a better one.
job/career: regardless of any classes/certifications, i doubt i'll ever get any job paying more than i am getting now. let alone one that i enjoy, am good at or is mentally challenging.
no experience, not enough knowledge. can't get a job to get the experience. not enough time to get enough knowledge. and let's not kid around: i'm probably not smart enough, simply too stupid, to make it in any remotely vague programming position.
once again: the tone-deaf trumpeter with a passion for music. and he is the last to know.
the fact that for the past four years i've put all my eggs in this basket but have barely scratched the surface speaks to my high level of inadequacy in this field.
i am a joke.
nothing has worked.
nothing does work.
my life is a series of poor, no, horrible choices and worse decisions.
she is the best decision i've ever made, but i feel sorry for her choosing me since she could have and should have done better.
it's good to know she can go on without me.
the boys are the next best decision.
they are the only ones keeping me from going on to the big vacation.
i could never do that to them. it would fuck them up forever and they would carry that bitter baggage all their lives.
but what do i do?
when i am at the end of everything.
i am so tired of being so close to crying all the time (like now).
i hate that i hate being awake.