Where's your boundary?

The boundary is the last fence you have to jump or demolish to be completely free to achieve your goal. It's a mindset, a cultural identity, even a physical hurdle itself.

My boundary was religion.

My goal was suicide.

Most obstacles to the finish line were the size of ant hills. No, my peers were indifferent. No, I had few or no friends, so no trauma there. My belongings? I wasn't into computing at that time. I probably would have missed my books the most. My teachers, with whom I could relate better than the kids, weren't even a consideration.

Then there was my family.

I was the difficult and moody one, the overweight one, the bookworm. My siblings were either popular, sweet, or very athletic (stereotyped can you get?). Oh well. Our parents loved all us and held different expectations for each of us. Mine were always slightly out of reach. I don't think that I really cared. The depression blacked them out.

Birthdays were miserable. I had become obsessed with my weight and was running daily. My 16th birthday was ruined three minutes after I got up when I weighed myself and discovered that I had gained weight and was now 5 lbs. away from my goal instead of 2 lbs. I was sure that no one at school liked me, even the kids who were nice to me. I was trapped.

Soon they were behind me and my depression and I were standing in front of the the fence on the edge of the cliff: Judaism. Judaism considers suicide as a great transgression due to the belief that we are made b'tzelem elokim, of in the image of G-d. Suicide would, in effect, harm a holy vessel that you do not entirely own. The consequence is that a suicide victim will not be buried in the Jewish section of the cemetery. Similar concepts were used in Europe during outbursts of copycat suicides in mainstream society.

Depression vaulted that hurdle and suddenly suicide was more of a comfort object to me. I thought of it freely as people receded into the background like white noise. It was everywhere and seemed to be a solution to just about anything.

I didn't want drama. I wanted results.

So I leaped. And I cut. I imbibed. And I swallowed. And I hurt. And I cried.

I've never really left the cliff. As Death spoke of Mad Hettie, it's hard to not like somebody you've known for a long time. But suicide keeps to itself nowadays and I go about my business of learning about the darkness' many avenues and lighting candles in them to find my way.

-- quote from Neil Gaiman's Death: The High Cost of Living