I wrote a really really cathartic node
yesterday, and ... wow. I feel all ... better
and stuff. A lot of things I guess I’ve been meaning to say. Putting things in the perspective
I needed them all to be in.
I love noding
. I love E2
. They’re both very very good for me. Happy happy poing poing poing
But. (There’s always a but isn’t there? Especially
like ‘happy happy poing poing poing’ for goodness’ sake...) But with my head a little clearer now I’m turning back to this old, old wound that is my last long term relationship
. I thought this fight was over. But now I see it’s just begun
Enough time has finally passed, at last, that this scar
is not so intensely, immediately painful that I can’t look at it. It still hurts. God, it hurts and it’s starting to make my blood boil. But it’s faded enough I can think about it. It’s healed enough through the simple passage
of time (ok, and through a couple new boys that definitely helped dull the pain
through their generally yumminess
and fun...). I thought it was over because it was just too hot to touch. And now I’m digging in the dirt
to heal it for real.
I broke up with him. I broke up with him because I didn’t love him anymore. But now I see that I broke up with him because I was drowning
. I was dying and stagnating and I hated myself and he hated himself. I was putting all of my energy
into trying to fix him and heal him and it was killing me. I tried to make myself subservient to him. And I’m such a fucking feminist
. I prostituted myself to him by coddling all his bullshit
, and all the ways that he was weak became the ways that I was weak because I let myself become just like him. I can’t believe I hated myself. I always thought I was so strong
When I broke up with him he accused me of abandoning him and betraying him and tried to hurt me in every possible way he could, because I had hurt him.
He betrayed me
. He betrayed me because you don’t try to hurt the people you love. He betrayed me because he knew I was horribly horribly depressed
in the last months of our relationship, and I told him I was ending this because I was dying. Did he want me to die for him?
Did he want to be with a person who was dead inside?
It feels so good to be alive
again. I’ve been fucked up as hell
these past couple of months, but it’s been a good fucked up that is the fucked up of a living, breathing person
. But I look back and I can’t believe I was such a shell
. How could I die inside for an entire year and not even notice? I’m not mad at him. He didn’t really betray
me. But how did this happen? How did I let myself become so small?
How do I stop myself from doing it again???
You can’t fix them
. You can’t fix them, and you can’t live for them. There are so many things I want to do with my life
and I didn’t do one of them the entire last six months we were together. I languish
ed. How could I do that? How could he do this? What the hell am I going to do? I am
. And I will never, ever, ever come second again.