I wrote a really really cathartic node yesterday, and ... wow. I feel all ... better and stuff. A lot of things I guess I’ve been meaning to say. Putting things in the perspective I needed them all to be in.

I love noding. I love E2. They’re both very very good for me. Happy happy poing poing poing.

But. (There’s always a but isn’t there? Especially following sentiments like ‘happy happy poing poing poing’ for goodness’ sake...) But with my head a little clearer now I’m turning back to this old, old wound that is my last long term relationship. I thought this fight was over. But now I see it’s just begun.

Enough time has finally passed, at last, that this scar is not so intensely, immediately painful that I can’t look at it. It still hurts. God, it hurts and it’s starting to make my blood boil. But it’s faded enough I can think about it. It’s healed enough through the simple passage of time (ok, and through a couple new boys that definitely helped dull the pain through their generally yumminess and fun...). I thought it was over because it was just too hot to touch. And now I’m digging in the dirt to heal it for real.

I broke up with him. I broke up with him because I didn’t love him anymore. But now I see that I broke up with him because I was drowning. I was dying and stagnating and I hated myself and he hated himself. I was putting all of my energy into trying to fix him and heal him and it was killing me. I tried to make myself subservient to him. And I’m such a fucking feminist. I prostituted myself to him by coddling all his bullshit, and all the ways that he was weak became the ways that I was weak because I let myself become just like him. I can’t believe I hated myself. I always thought I was so strong.

When I broke up with him he accused me of abandoning him and betraying him and tried to hurt me in every possible way he could, because I had hurt him.

He betrayed me. He betrayed me because you don’t try to hurt the people you love. He betrayed me because he knew I was horribly horribly depressed in the last months of our relationship, and I told him I was ending this because I was dying. Did he want me to die for him? Did he want to be with a person who was dead inside?

It feels so good to be alive again. I’ve been fucked up as hell these past couple of months, but it’s been a good fucked up that is the fucked up of a living, breathing person. But I look back and I can’t believe I was such a shell. How could I die inside for an entire year and not even notice? I’m not mad at him. He didn’t really betray me. But how did this happen? How did I let myself become so small?

How do I stop myself from doing it again???

You can’t fix them. You can’t fix them, and you can’t live for them. There are so many things I want to do with my life and I didn’t do one of them the entire last six months we were together. I languished. How could I do that? How could he do this? What the hell am I going to do? I am so strong. And I will never, ever, ever come second again.