i'm so confused again. i was so happy about being single. i was single by choice for the first time ... ever. i even had a fellow who wanted me that i didn't want to prove it. but what the hell does that say? i can hold him up for show and pretend that i'm happy? what kind of bullshit is that?

ok so i am happy to be single. it's a good thing. but i stopped very suddenly today. literally, i stopped. i stopped everything. the semester was over. my application was in. i'm done. ... so now what? now i sleep and sleep and sleep. because i can't think of anything better to do. and i wonder if i might have a slightly better time in someone's arms. i miss it a little. i miss him. i miss the other him too. i wonder what could have happened. i wonder if there's another him out there somewhere too. and i am so hideously tired of one night stands. i love them. one night stands are fantastic. but doesn't it get old? what do you do with sex?

i watched a really nice little romantic comedy with ed norton (I LOVE ED NORTON) who reminds me a little of someone i know and now i wonder what could have happened with him if he lived anywhere near here.

i hate being so fucking useless!!! and i don't know what to do with being so fucking happy and so fucking sad.

i spent the evening with a good friend of mine, and i haven't been lacking for company. but i haven't honestly connected with somebody in a real way since i met him a few weeks ago, or since i said goodbye to him a long time ago before a long drive home.

so i'm left here again daydreaming and writing like shit and wishing i could do something about all the ways i want to feel something and wanting somebody to talk to that i could love and thinking about goddam ed norton of all people because he's my new celebrity crush and damn i need something to feel about to make this all feel a little less sad.

so how sad is that?

i miss. i don't know what. but i miss it very very much. sigh.