I do need more help in clinic. We are pretty much maxed out and the level of crazy has somehow escalated.
I am presenting a patient to telemedicine and the pain specialist says, "You are too emotional. You are too involved with this patient."
I want to snarl "I am emulating our President." but since I don't have a penis, I am not allowed to be upset. I got a vagina so I am supposed to be nice, aka receptive. Fuck that. I keep my cool because otherwise I will be reported to the state physician organization that smacks down mouthy uppity bitches and I am tired of them.
We are booking in mid-February. Two new patients a week. The other day tri-fucking-west calls and I hear my receptionist say, "No, I said we do not have an appointment until February." I say, "Let me take that call." I get on the phone. "What is the problem?"
"This veteran has some emergent issues."
"We don't have an appointment until February for a new patient."
"I was just aaaasssskkking if there was an emergency slot."
"She said no. NO. You cannot jump the line. Got that?" I shouldda hung up on her but she scheduled the veteran for February.
Cloning experiments so I can be in two rooms at once are not going well. I have two Dr. Lizard Zombies in my basement, damn it. The third one got out but it was unstable and by the time a local veteran blew it away with a howitzer, the DNA couldn't be checked. The paper says it was a rabid dog. Right. Heh. Giant zombie insane lizard howling "KKKKRRRRAAAATTTTTTOOOOOMMMMMM!"
Anyhow, I keep reading all this shit about embedding psychology. Like this. The military was embedding back when I worked at Madigan in 2009-2010. Comic books explain how to walk your suicidal buddy to the behavioral health specialist or the brass. They say it's helping.
Since the US humans' commander is clearly batshit crazy, all of the other crazies are encouraged and are coming out of the woodwork. Clinic is like total insanity. The sane people are all wondering if they are insane or the world is insane and why they cry or run around the couch screaming every time they watch the news. Half of them are turning to substances in order not to flip out. Another quarter are stockpiling guns, kratom, drugs, alcohol and MREs for the coming apocalypse and another quarter are asking for anti anxiety drugs and hoping their CBD oil doesn't wear off any time soon. 60-80% of the cocaine in the US picked up by the cops is cut with an antiparasite prescription drug. Unfortunately the drug causes bone marrow problems and people show up with limb gangrene. The whole zombie thing just is not amusing any more.
So I need clinic help and I am told by human authorities that I should embed a behavioral health person: https://www.stepsforward.org/modules/integrated-behavioral-health. I've found one I like. I have the clinic prepared. She has been coming in on Wednesdays to the telemedicine. I don't think she suspects a thing. (Ok, integrated is difficult here -- I'd like an african american or hispanic or native american behavioral health person, but hell, scarce on the ground here. Also, since I am a lizard passing as human, I think the integrated thing is covered. Also it's a female.) I think next Wednesday is a go if she shows up. She can't come every week.
I'll mix the concrete. The hole is covered by the rug. A nice little tap on the back of the head, legs in the hole to the knees and by the time she wakes up.... embedded.
Then we can schedule more patients!
SNL nails it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5IZrYeUX3MI