An old friend stopped by this week.
This friend loves me. But it is conditional love. Conditioned that my sister will never be mentioned. Conditional: "Some people say the wrong thing to me. I can't allow that."
When I heard that on the phone, I shut up. I shut down. I tried to send support through photographs, no words.
But I do not want to send photographs of my life. I do not want to send a carefully edited set of pictures of the acceptable parts of my life. I sent pictures of the outdoors, only.
And this tea is one of the most uncomfortable of my life. It is small talk. I let the person lead. I am frozen. I think before every sentence.
I am scolded anyhow. I am told to arrange to meet next time. I say that I have friends in the city the person names. "You would need to pay attention to me!" says the person. I look back, silent.
Is all love conditional? Where is the edge of social politeness and where is reality? Advertising celebrates the individual but our culture often doesn't. I love this person but I want to love them from a very great distance: because I want to say what I think. I do not want to meet the conditions. I don't feel loved under them. It feels like slavery and silencing. From a distance, I can send love. And nothing else.
My daughter says she can't do small talk. She fails. She doesn't want to do small talk. She wants to know what big questions people have and if they think. What is the deepest thing in your heart? What are the problems in the world? How are you working on them?
Me too.
Sending love.