Getting shot is changing my life perhaps more than any other single event.

I am increasingly paranoid. I think that the legal system is out to get me. I worry every time I see cops or cop cars. I get scared every time I hear sirens. I am terrified of going back to court, even though I know it won't be a big deal. I'm even paranoid about my Everything account being subpoenaed, even though I'm using an alias and I doubt the court is aware of Everything's existence, or would go to the trouble if they were.

I can't watch police violence. I tried to watch Murder in the First with my roommate, and had to leave during the opening scene where a guard is beating a prisoner. I watched Gladiator a few nights later and was fine; I can watch people kill each other all day long provided neither of them are wearing police uniforms.

I've been thinking about what it means to sell out. I have found that in dealing with my co-arrestees that the vast majority of them are not very nice people and are willing to sell each other out in order to make a statement against the government and the courts. I wondered for a while what the difference was between this kind of action and making a deal with the prosecution, and what I came to was that a defendant could benefit from making a deal, where no one benefits from this kind of disruption, and that the people who think that disruption is the more intelligent action aren't the ones in danger, while the ones who think that making a deal is better are the ones with a better grasp of the implications of the situation. I'm not trying to say that disruption is always a dumb idea; when done well, it can be extremely effective. What I'm saying is that it's generally good to clear it with the defendants.

I've found that I don't want to have any association with the punk scene. I've been throwing out or giving away a lot of my punk gear, and replacing it with more respectable clothes. I'm not going to purge the Dead Kennedys from my music collection, but I'm not going to be going to any local punk events, either. I'm avoiding the cafe where the punks hang out even though I really like their food.

The other big thing is the injury. Every day I get up and I see my wounds, most of which are down to about the size of a quarter. One or two are completely closed, and most of the others are closing. I've got a few that are still bleeding periodically, and most of them itch or hurt when I'm tired. I'm used to how they feel, but it still surprises me every time I see them. I hate having the memory branded on my ass. I hate how ugly it makes me feel, and how victimized and objectified. I hate the idea of waking up every day with these marks on me, of having to explain them to everyone who sees me naked. I hate that the cop who shot me is just getting away with it, that there's an atmosphere of tolerance for this in the police force, that the most extreme violence I have ever experienced has come from a stranger who was just doing his job.