I am exhausted after running. It feels good but is strange.

This feeling of accomplishment is trivalized by my having to do this every night. Yet, it is this very repetition, this state of being on the road to something better, that defines my emotion. Being exhausted is not progress itself, but it is symptomatic of it, and without this promise for the future, I'd be too focused on the tragic decline of a moment to be happy.

When running, it is easy to, at most given points, keep running. I only hurt after stopping. Sometimes I overdo it and feel so sick. A fear of this makes me stop running to begin with. I can't ever measure how I'll feel in the future from present circumstances. Thus, I need for my own pretection experience that I never ever want again, like running so hot I have a fever. Or, more preferably, I need infinite circumstances.

During summer vacation, I am satisfied. It seems to be forever. Yet, I know it will end and when. Approaching this date, I wish it won't, but without these undesirable states surrounding it, summer would lose any meaning. It would be an undistinguished expanse of days. Is this what I want, literal freedom? Or just the way it feels?

Do I ever really want to marry, or do I just get off on the romanticism of the idea of new relationships? I cannot imagine dedicating myself to anything. Maybe I'll just do something big and then explode.