Drink Vernors or I'll set you on fire!

Due to the plummeting sales of the barrel aged bold taste of the original ginger soda, I have placed myself in charge of promotions.

In order to roll out my newest plan, I will require 2 volunteers per every beverage aisle. (I already have too many willing to help, so please... stop calling me.)

We will place volunteer 1 in an asbestos suit and equip him/her with a flame-thrower. Next to him/her, a sign which states "Most soft drinks can be dangerous to your health!" Having given the consumer ample warning, the volunteer carefully observes the hapless fool select his/her beverage. Upon selection of any soft drink other than the vivacious Vernors, our man/woman in the suit sprays the customer and his/her family (if present) with flaming agony!

As the poor bastard/bitch writhes in blistering white-hot pain, volunteer 2 steps out with pressurized Vernors and a power nozzle to quench the unmistakable thirst of a person in flames. As the blessed ginger beer extinguishes the flames of a poor choice, that bold, barrel aged taste will seem as an angel's kiss that saves them from the all too real hell of their prior brand loyalty.

In the event that the consumer chooses Vernors, they leave the store unmolested, for they are the chosen few, and go with our blessing into the world, spreading the joy, and the safety that only Vernors can provide.

Vernors is a trademark of one of the uncountable fingers of the Coca-Cola Corporation.