Last night, I intentionally brought the wrath of the Everything Death Borg down on my head.
I called it to feed with the cry of “xp pack rape!” and let me tell you, the legends are true,
it fell on me like The Sword of Damocles and I was swallowed whole by the beast.

(For you more sensitive noders, I would like to state that if lawnjart ran things,
the crime known as rape would receive an automatic death penalty with no appeal
upon proof of said crime.
There is never a justification for rape
…it is a far worse crime than murder. However the use of the word its self is no different than the word pomegranate as it is just a throat noise or a series of letters in the alphabet. )

The process of being eaten was an oddly pleasurable agony. (Probably the selfsame sensation S&M folk look for when they spank one another with leather paddles that have the word “naughty” spelled out on it in pointed metal studs.) As I careened down the noder intake port, I was coated with a substance that felt like Icy Hot with the hot removed, and as it made my body temperature plummet, it also eased my decent into the processor.

Once inside, the fearful darkness resolved itself at a pleasing rate to the level of candlelight. I found myself in the belly of the beast and it looked more like a cybernetic lounge than an organ of digestion. There was furniture crafted from the softest software, and soothing drum-n-bass throbbing throughout.

“Welcome user lawnjart. You have been assimilated for a short time, please try to relax and enjoy.”

I turned to see if the voice had a corporeal form and found what looked like the sister of the Ericsson worldphone woman. She moved as smooth as streaming video over an OC192 connection, stopping a mere breath away. Her eyes were flickering with code as she spoke again:

“You have been coated with a substance to lower your ambient temperature so as not to upset our stomach, it is harmless. You said a bad word user lawnjart, and it is time for you to renew your connection with the infinite, We cannot command you to be nice, but we can instruct you as to why it is important…
one moment please as I scan you and generate an error log.”


“...Hmm, I can find no errors. Why did you use that word user lawnjart?”

“I wanted only to be tasty.”

”That you are… as we have nothing further to discuss, please sit back and enjoy everything.”

As she gently pushed me back into the nearest couch, she laid a kiss on my forehead. I felt a slight sting as a needle pushed through my skull and into the cornea of my third eye. At once I began to hallucinate...all I remember is the first few moments as the Other Noders box swam into view and the letters of each username assembled into small figures which danced around me singing the dial-up modem song, only it was sweet, and full of longing for connection....the rest is a gorgeous blur.

The next thing I know, I am careening headlong down a chute, my chilly protective coating stripping off as I pick up speed. I see a light ahead and begin to rejoice at the prospect of seeing my virtual friends once more. The elation is cut short however upon my sighting of the tiny barbs that line EDB’s anus.

I land with a bloody thump in the chatterbox with no idea how long I spent inside. As I tried to embrace my fellow users with my tale and renewed love, I was met with icy disapproving silence....

I had spoken taboo and was now borgshit....