Saudi Arabia Finances Carlyle Group Purchase of U.S.A. -
Country to Be Renamed United American Emirates
President George W. Bush
announced today that he has agreed to sell the United States to the Carlyle Group. The deal, rumored to be for $27.3 trillion, will be the largest ever for the Carlyle Group
. Financial backing has been arranged through sheikh Ali Ibn Faud, third nephew to the Saudi Royal Family.
Despite a string of financial woes that have struck the USA since Bush took over as President, the move shocked most observers. One analyst that wasn't surprised was Josh Haekel of Morningstar Investments, "Dubya has a history of turning to family or friends to bail him out of failing financial ventures. This fits right in with his strategies at Arbusto Energy and Spectrum 7."
The Carlyle Group
, whose executives include one past President -Dubya's father
- and a cast of retired generals and ex-Reagan administration Cabinet secretaries, made the move after failing in their bid to add Venezuela
to their portfolio. Carlyle already has a controlling interest in Kuwait, Bahrain
, Qatar, and Saudi Arabia
As recently as two years ago the United States was running $100 billion surpluses, but Carlyle now takes over a country with huge budget shortfalls and unprecedented foreign trade deficits. Because of the large amount of debt Carlyle must assume, analysts believe Carlyle will likely sell off some assets - with Florida, Texas, Alaska, and California the most attractive prospects in a weak market. Company spokesmen were not available for comment.
Democratic Party leaders on Capitol Hill immediately criticized the deal saying the President was exceeding his constitutional powers. President Bush shook off Democratic concerns saying, "We're still at war. Now is not the time for partisan politics. They can run, but they cannot hide. We will get those ... those ... those *Evildoers*." Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer clarified the President's remarks saying, "The President believes that this deal is in the best interests of the United States. He hopes the congress will act quickly to put a bill on his desk - hopefully before anyone figures out what we're trying to pull off." After the announcement, public opinion polls revealed that 70% of Americans still have a favorable opinion of how the President is running the country.
This is the result when the various stages of your life are marked by issues of Mad Magazine, The National Lampoon, and The Onion :)
And no, this is not a regurgitated e-mail. It is original :)