How often have you looked at your furniture with a deep, deep sadness in your eyes? All the time? Well, look no further! We at Gary and Steven's are here to meet your every need, furniturely speaking.
We would like to take the time to dismiss any rumours you may have heard about us. We do not break into people's homes wearing khakis and balaclavas, stealing their sofas and pouffes. We also do not retrieve damaged sofas in pairs from junk yards and weld the two good ends together, filing away the serial numbers. No, we don't. We are, however, unwilling to comment on the rumour that we pushed a pram down the stairs of our store when the parents tried to leave without buying anything.
The first thing you will notice when visiting our store is its uniqueosity - there is no other store like it in the area! Since the untimely and seemingly random firebombing of DFS, Cousins and indeed every single other furniture store in town except ours last month, Gary and Steven's is now your exclusive furniture outlet. With a vast range of new(ish) and slightly soiled suites,* dining tables & chairs, lamps, biscuits, and anything else you could want to furnish your home, Gary and Steven's is your first and only choice.
"What if I can't afford to take advantage of these offers right now?" you may well scream. Indeed, we feel that being the only furniture outlet in the area gives us license to charge whatever we please. However, we offer a reasonable finance option on most of our items, and it will only entail a quick trip down to our financial offices in the east end of London.** You will no doubt find their location to be both pleasant and suitable for all the family. Situated round the back of some dustbins in my mate's garage, our office facilities are meticulously cleaned daily by his mom and feature a large freezer for the kids to play in, and a gun rack.
All in all, there is every reason to shop at Gary and Steven's. In fact, you'd be a complete spastic not to! We'll look forward to your visit, and remember - we know where you live.
* 3-piece suite may consist of 3 entirely random pieces
** Your life and that of your family may be at risk if repayments are not kept up, or even if you just turn up