(idea) by kaytay Sun Sep 15 2002 at 15:44:37
I have been on a diet for a really long time. It has not been successful for the duration, but for the past month or two it has accomplished more than I had ever hoped or wanted. It all started with the end of my freshman year of college, when I tipped the scales at an enormous one hundred fifty pounds upon my return home from living in the dorms. But the fact is, no one knew I was heavier -- my clothes still fit, a little snuggly but not in the tight manner of hoochiness; a steady size 6, perhaps pushing towards an 8. I looked more or less the same, and actually received compliments from several relatives who were accustomed to seeing me as "Tall Skinny," the bony pale girl who wondered around at reunions keeping mostly to herself. At my cousin second wedding in 1997, I was in much the same situation... months of dieting with minimal results, on the verge of delving into the shadowy world of obsession and other scary unmentionables. And now I find myself at that gate, once again, one week before that same cousin's sister's first wedding, which is to take place on September 21.

The only difference is that I am conscious of my decisions and their consequences this time. I know my hair will start falling out any day now if I push myself further than I already have, my beautiful long hair that I worked so hard to grow back after the first time around. The bones have returned, the inability to sit on hard surfaces without bruising horribly, my spine digs into every chair back no matter how I sit. And yet these drawbacks do not, in fact, draw me back to safety.

I am now a size three in jeans. I have shed thirty three pounds since May, fourteen of them since the last days of August. I went shopping yesterday and discovered that a dress size of 1/2 in the junior department is too large. What am I going to wear to the wedding? All of my dresses hang from my frame and mock what I have worked so hard to become. I am thin, I can see that in the mirror. The only thing that scares me is the little hollow right where my ribs begin to separate, the dent that I fear lies right above my heart with nothing in between, no padding to stop a quick punch to the solar plexus from killing me.

And yet this is not as thin as I used to be; I am still well over twenty five pounds above where I know I am capable of going. The only difference is I can still walk at this weight, still ride my bike to class and climb three flights of stairs with only a few breaks on the way up. I have come to rely on elevators more and more, and standing for more than two hours is impossible. I get dizzy a lot. But I am thin.

But, as always, not thin enough.

There seem to be a lot of numbers floating around my head, as a way to focus. Some of you may have noticed my homenode and the records I have been keeping there, the overabundance of numerical data with no significance whatsoever besides the calming effect on my nerves. Here is what I am talking about:



FOOD DIARY

I am keeping a food journal here to prove to myself that I do not eat as much as my mind makes me believe.

Some numbers for perspective:

  • I was a TEN POUND baby
  • I've weighed 128 pounds for most of my 5'11" life (since 7th grade)
  • My lowest adult weight ever was somewhere around 85 pounds
  • I was 150 when I finished my freshman year of college
  • Most doctors agree my target weight is 137
  • My goal weight is 107 pounds
  • I am at 116 as of the latest post.

(September 15, 2002):
  1. most of an apple (75)
  2. coconut cream pie yogurt (120)
  3. fruit cup (60)
  4. cereal (60)
  5. bread (400)
  • TOTAL : 715 calories
(September 14, 2002):
  1. fuji apple (90)
  2. poppy seed something (70?)
  3. bread (40)
  4. tomato (50?)
  5. yogurt (120)
  6. 39 saltines (468)
  • TOTAL : 840 calories?
(September 13, 2002):
  1. fuji apple (90)
  2. green beans (70)
  3. bread (80)
  4. miso soup (?)
  5. salad w/ lumpy orange dressing (?)
  6. lots of chicken
  • TOTAL : 1240 calories?
(September 12, 2002):
  1. half a cantaloupe (100)
  2. mint chocolate pie yogurt (120)
  3. cereal (60)
  • TOTAL : 280 calories
(September 11, 2002):
  1. fuji apple (90)
  2. black cherry yogurt (120)
  3. cereal (60)
  • TOTAL : 270 calories
(September 10, 2002):
  1. fuji apple (90)
  2. half a cantalope (100?)
  3. little tomato (40?)
  4. green beans (70)
  5. chocolate chip thing (120?)
  6. bread (200)
  7. cereal (60)
  8. banana cream pie yogurt (120)
  • TOTAL : 800 calories?
(September 9, 2002):
  1. maple and brown sugar oatmeal (160)
  2. beans (200)
  3. peaches and pears fruit cup (60)
  4. fuji apple (90)
  5. coconut cream pie yogurt (120)
  • TOTAL : 630 calories
(September 8, 2002):
  1. 1/4 pear (30)
  2. fruit cup (100)
  3. 39 saltines (468)
  4. fruit crisp (70?)
  5. oatmeal (150)
  6. biscuit (100?)
  • TOTAL : about 918 calories
(September 7, 2002):
  1. one and a half turkey sandwiches (500?)
  2. fruit cup (60)
  3. seven pieces of dried apricots (200?)
  4. three bites of strawberry oatmeal crisp stuff (50?)
  • TOTAL : about 810 calories
(September 6, 2002):
  1. can of veggie soup (165)
  2. tuna (200)
  3. salad (120)
  • TOTAL : 485 calories
(September 5, 2002):
  1. popcorn (240)
  2. crackers (480)
  3. beans (300)
  4. salad (100)
  5. fruit (60)
  • TOTAL : 1180 calories
(September 4, 2002):
  1. forgot
  • TOTAL : about 900 calories
(September 3, 2002):
  1. forgot
  • TOTAL : about 600 calories
(September 2, 2002):
  1. tuna (200)
  2. toast (75)
  3. Sweedish fish (?)
  4. banana bread (250?)
  5. Oreos (can't even imagine)
  6. chicken (215)
  7. cucumber and tomato (20)
  8. a few purple peanut M&Ms (60)
  • TOTAL : about 2300 calories?
(September 1, 2002):
  1. nothing
  • TOTAL : 0
(August 31, 2002):
  1. lots of watermelon, melon, grapes and pickles
  2. pretzels
  3. a ton of Willy Wonka candy, i.e. Laffy Taffy, Nerds, Bottle Caps and Gobstoppers
  • TOTAL : no idea (2000?)
(August 30, 2002):
  1. plain oatmeal (75)
  2. toast (75)
  3. 4 pieces Laffy Taffy (150?)
  • TOTAL : 300 calories?
(August 29, 2002):
  1. can of Chicken and Rice soup (160)
  2. Miso soup (?)
  3. salad w/ orange dressing (?)
  4. "Free Range Chicken" from Gadaiko restaurant (?)
  5. some tamago (?)
  • TOTAL : 1600? calories
(August 28, 2002):
  1. pineapple
  2. tuna
  3. oatmeal
  4. beans
  5. biscuit (100)
  • TOTAL : 840 calories
(August 27, 2002):
  1. beans (300)
  2. lots of saltine crackers (420)
  • TOTAL : 760 calories
(August 26, 2002):
  1. 2 Fuji apples (200)
  2. tuna (200)
  3. Melba toast (75)
  4. carrots (100)
  • TOTAL : at least 575 calories
(August 25, 2002):
  1. nothing
  • TOTAL : 0 calories
(August 24, 2002):
  1. no idea
  • TOTAL : 2000 calories?
(August 23, 2002):
  1. Cocoa Puffs w/ 2% milk (200)
  2. Special K w/ 2% milk (100)
  3. Rice Chex w/ 2% milk (170)
  4. Lean Cuisine (210)
  5. baked beans (150)
  6. Subway sandwich (350)
  • TOTAL : 1280 calories
(August 23, 2002):
  1. Cocoa Puffs w/ 2% milk (900)
  2. Sun Chips (600)
  3. frozen chocolate thing (120)
  4. 2 diet Mountain Dew Code Reds (0)
  • TOTAL : 1620 calories
(August 22, 2002):
  1. strawberries (100)
  2. chicken (200)
  3. broccoli and peas (100)
  4. baked beans (300)
  5. Sunchips (600)
  6. cucumber (30)
  • TOTAL : 1330 calories
(August 21, 2002):
  1. stuff
  • TOTAL : about 2000 calories?
(August 20, 2002):
  1. two bowls special K red berries (400)
  2. two Yoplait whipped yogurts, one cherry one orange (280)
  3. bread from Carrabba's (?)
  4. shrimp and scallop salad from Carrabba's (?)
  • TOTAL : about 1680 calories?
(August 19, 2002):
  1. four slices of apple (50)
  2. Egg Beaters (120)
  3. Cheerios w/ 2% milk (250)
  4. Lean Cuisine (250)
  5. Popsicle chocolate fudge thing (120)
  6. Sunchips (250)
  • TOTAL : 1040 calories
(August 18, 2002):
  1. one apples (100)
  2. Egg Beaters (120)
  3. salad w/ fat free ranch dressing (about 180?)
  4. misc. random food from other peoples' plates (about 350?)
  5. Yoplait whipped yogurt, Orange Cream flavor (140)
  6. one peach (about 100?)
  • TOTAL: about 990 calories?
(August 17, 2002):
  1. one apple (100)
  2. bowl of Special K w/ red berries, 2% milk (about 200)
  3. chicken with stuffing, prepackaged and cooked by me! amazing (about 320)
  • TOTAL: about 620 calories
(August 16, 2002):
  1. two apples (200)
  2. some carrots w/ fat free caesar dressing (90)
  3. cooked broccoli (60)
  4. corn on the cob (85)
  5. 3 ounces of chicken (110)
  6. one biscuit (about 250?)
  • TOTAL: 795 calories
(August 14 and 15, 2002):
  1. went to chicago and ate a lot
  • TOTAL: who knows
(August 13, 2002):
  1. half a pear (60)
  2. two apples (180)
  3. some carrots (40)
  4. saltine crackers (300)
  5. chedder cheese rice cakes (150)
  6. tin of tuna (300)
  7. cherry Yoplait yogurt (140)
  8. fat free popcorn (200)
  9. diet Barq's (0)
  • TOTAL: 1370 calories
(August 12, 2002):
  1. a 6" Subway Sweet Onion Chicken Terryoki sub (374)
  2. a mini bag of original Sunchips (210)
  3. diet Pepsi (0)
  4. a salad with carrots, no dressing (40)
  5. three quarters of a package of chicken flavored Ramen noodles (285)
  6. about two cups of orange sherbert (480)
  • TOTAL : 1389 calories
(August 11, 2002):
  1. nothing (0)
  • TOTAL: 0




That is everything I have eaten for more than a month. More explicitly, it outlines the lack of what I have eaten for over a month. Of course there are exceptions, most of which were unavoidable and easily fixed by restricting further in the time that followed. I didn't mean to go as far as I did -- my goal weight has changed from 130 to 125 to 120 to 117 as I kept losing without a care in the world beyond what the numbers said. And finally, my goal shrank to 107 pounds. 107 pounds at almost six feet tall. What am I thinking?

So I have consumed roughly 38,137 calories over the past 36 days. That averages out to 1,059 calories a day for over a month, which is less than half of what someone my height is supposed to eat. So this means I avoided 41,063 calories, which at one pound being equal to 3500 calories should amount to a loss of 11 pounds in one month and five days. According to another record I've kept, since August 25 of this year I have lost fifteen pounds. So at least I know my metabolism is still working, however short-lived it will be.

I am going to a support group for eating disorders on Wednesday.

I like it! 2 C!s