Last night I had some of the most bizarre dreams I can remember. Consider that a warning – what follows makes little to no sense, and I shall not be held responsible for the absurdities of my subconsciousness.

I was at a carnival, only it was more like a Disney World and a Pleasure Island mixed into a county fair. There was one booth covered with bags of candy, which were free to the public. Those who participated were responsible for finding their own bouncy ball, and there was some horrendous admittance fee. After waiting in a cramped line to pay the money due, we were led deeper into the booth, only to discover it was a huge mansion filled with antiques, curiosities, and indescribable oddities. The object of the game was to roll the bouncy ball around the house, leaving it’s direction to chance, and to hope that it landed beneath something of value (for if it did, you were entitled to take the prize home, no questions asked), There was one room filled with beautifully carved beds of all shapes and sizes. I tried to win one that was supported by four posts with a weight bench sitting in the middle, but my bouncy ball would not roll where I wanted it to.

The man in charge was nice enough to give me some advice after I had been at the game for several hours. He told me that if the bouncy ball landed underneath a door, I would win the entire room. This was immensely exciting.

I ran about the mansion looking for a prize worthy of my attention. I found several; one room was filled with monks chanting some ancient prayer through large blocks of wood that moved up and down while echoing their haunting voices, accompanied by gratuitous fog and steam. I passed by this room because it was so crowded.

I settled my attention upon the library, which was an enormous room filled with priceless books soaring ceilings. I tried to set my bouncy ball on the threshold leading to the room, but two gentlemen conversing in the doorway say my attempt and sneered before closing the heavy doors in my face. I was left to find another goal.

After quite some time, I found a room with some beautiful furniture and whatnot. It was occupied by two women of questionable virtue, so I quickly placed some blue lipstick beneath a huge dome in the ceiling. They ran to inform the game attendant, and when he arrived, he found my mark beneath the dome. I was now the proud owner of an architectural masterpiece.


I was in France, upon the steps of The Louvre. I saw the drum major from my high school band go running by, and I told him that there were worms in the fence. Then a woman carting around a huge green trashcan drew my attention. Suddenly I was sitting on an airy patio, surrounded by chatting friends dressed in white. She begged my to spit in the trash can, which was already filled with bars of soap. She said if she accumulated five pounds of human saliva, the DNR would grant her several thousand dollars to help her mother overcome breast cancer. Of course I complied.

On the way back to the front entrance of the museum, I saw a little girl collecting the worms of the before mentioned fence. She was placing them on a cake, and seemed quite proud of herself. Time shifted somehow, and I saw a lovely sheet cake decorated with colorful frosting and whatnot. But in the corner, where the frosting had not completely covered the cake, I saw a single worm wiggling around. My mom appeared from somewhere, and informed me that the cake was for the woman with breast cancer, and if she ate the whole thing, there was an inspirational essay in the bottom of the pan.

I continued on my way back to The Louvre, and saw several more fences infested with those worms. My brother appeared and began pulling the worms off the fence. Large cucumbers were also growing between the worms, but they looked like nothing more than large, green worms themselves. Then I realized they were made of the pants belonging to our drum major I had seen earlier. I saw him run past, and happily informed him that the worms had stolen his pants to make vegetables.