I promised I would update when we had any further news. I’m now 14 weeks pregnant. Everything is going well. We went to the doctor today, got to hear the baby's heartbeat and basically be reassured that everything is progressing normally. Our next appointment will be in 5 weeks on October 14th. They will do a second ultrasound at that appointment and we’ll hopefully be able to find out the gender of the baby. Both Chad and I are very excited.
Its time for my annual spiritual bloodletting. If you don’t want to hear it, you should probably stop reading right here.
Life, grief and other crap
Grief is a funny thing, in someways its similar to leukemia. You fight it, you accept it. It becomes a part of you. Just when you think you are getting over it. It comes back with a vengeance.
Every year its the same for me. The days have gotten easier, I don’t cry like I used to. But every single year, when I turn the calendar over to September, I feel like I’ve been slapped. Not just any ol’ slap. But a “don’t talk to your mama that way” SLAP that shakes you to the core. Its like reliving the events leading up to Adam’s suicide, every single year.
I just want to be able to get through this week, ONCE, without being an emotional idiot.
We will be in D.C. this weekend visiting family. I’m glad that I get to see my sister, who I haven’t seen since April of last year, but I am also anxious about being back in D.C. over this weekend. There are simply too many memories there.
I woke up at 4 am this morning after having bad dreams brought on by my anxious worries. Basically, it all boils down to this. I made some bad decisions in the past. However, I don’t know whether or not making good decisions would have really changed the course of events. I can sit here, today, in 2005, and look back to decisions and problems I had in 1999, 2000 and 2001, and over analyze everything, second guessing and blaming myself all day. Hell, I’ve done it for 4 years already. Why stop now? Well, I want to stop because I’m sick of it. It makes my heart and head hurt. Besides, it takes two people to make a marriage fail. Adam was certainly not blameless and neither am I. But at some point, I have to stop these thoughts.
I still haven’t learned that the “what-ifs” will make you crazy.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not unhappy. I'm happier now than I've ever been. Chad is an amazingly good husband and father. I have a great job. My kids are doing well. We're expecting a baby. Life is good. I just want to get rid of these guilt-ridden doubts in the back of my mind.