Three years past now, and the pain, hurt and missing is still very present.

I don’t want to go into detail about how weepy and shitty I feel right now. So instead, I will tell you about my most recent dream about Adam. This was another one of the dreams in the “He’s not really dead” line.

He had shot himself, but did not die. He had been in a coma for a long time and when he woke up, he decided to follow his passion in life. He still looked perfect, no scars and golden tan. He now lived underwater. He had a special underwater vehicle that had handlebars that he could hold onto. I can see it even now; Adam holding the handles flying through the water, easy, relaxed and natural. He told me that this was what he had always wanted. That he could not have wanted his life any other way. I was along side him, feeling free in the flowing coolness of the water. He was excited to tell me about the happiness he had found. He showed me around the underwater city he lived in and then we went back to my house. Of course, the house that was mine was a combination of multiple houses, the townhouse in Damascus, but with the decoration of my current house. Chad was there and said hi to Adam. Adam returned the greeting and went into Dylan’s room. He held Dylan on his lap for a while, joking and laughing as Dylan squirmed. The next day, I went to take Dylan to his new school that was underwater. I had to take him to a small inlet, I was worried because there was ice on the surface of the water. Dylan didn’t care and stripped naked, giggling the whole time. As he stepped into the water a bubble formed around him and he went under the water, smiling the whole time.

I woke up around 4 a.m. feeling as good as one can after having a dream about someone who truly is dead.

I still have too many Adam dreams. I still think of him often. The crying is much less frequent now, and I can sometimes hold back the tears until I am somewhere alone. My heart still aches when I think of him and I do not know that the aching will ever go away. I can feel completely fine one second and the next, something small will make me fall apart.

My life has changed so much since that warm sunny September day three years ago; I moved twice, and then once more with Chad. Chad and I got married this past April and I am still thrilled to have him in my life. He is the most incredibly loving and understanding person I have ever met and I can not believe that I was lucky enough to even meet him in the first place. I would have never met him without E2 and the Wicked Retahded gathering.

So, yeah, just in case you wanted to know. Everything is alright.