I still firmly believe that suicide is the most selfish act in the world.
Perhaps its the anger that I STILL can't get rid of that is seething just below the surface. Perhaps its the fact that I can't talk about Adam for more than a few minutes without crying. Or maybe its because I've watched the destructive ripple effect spread through the lives of Adam's family including mine. Or, better yet, how about this little bit of information: I feel like a shit writing this because somehow, someway, I don't want Adam's suicide to define ME. Do you see how this sort of thing effects people? I want you to understand it.
Go read my write up in Hermetic. That write up took me a year and about a gallon of tears to get out and I still think it needs more insight. Now, go read Panamaus' write ups, Adam Purcell and Don't give up. Or perhaps Tandex's, Waiting for the screen to refresh. Are you starting to get the picture? Try Borgo's write up, or No Springs' write up.
I hate to give you a load of guilt, but I'm going to. I don't think you realize the sort of fall out that suicide creates. Can you imagine your parents' relationship dissolving because of your actions? Or perhaps they lose their jobs because they simply can't manage to drag themselves to work in the wake of your suicide. I bet you hadn't fully considered this.
Should I now tell you that Stepmom, who wrote Thanks from our hearts, and Adam's dad are now separated? Or how about how my daughter still cries and tells me she misses her daddy? Better yet, there's my son who won't ever remember his daddy, but anytime he has a toy that he really likes he still insists that his daddy gave it to him and then asks where his daddy is. So, right now, you're thinking, "I'm not a parent and I'm not married." But you know what? That doesn't matter (and you may someday), my point is the same. Suicide never occurs in a vacuum. Whether it is your friends or family, they will come apart and hurt in the same sad way as I do.
All of the responses above have given you the best advice. Here's my advice:
Stop feeling sorry for yourself and go see a doctor, silly.
Yeah yeah, I know. You're thinking that you don't want to have to talk about this embarrassing personal pain in some strange office with some doctor or health professional who doesn't know you. But think about this, if you had cancer, wouldn't you fight it? Mental illness can be just as deadly as cancer if left untreated.