Everyday, I feel like giving up, everyday,it's a little more.
I get up and put on my mask. I smile in the miror, trying to get it to look as real as I can, I succeed.
I am good at this, no one suspects a thing. I laugh on cue at the jokes I don't underestand, I sing along to the songs I no longer enjoy, I eat the crap they place before me.
I am proud they don't know. I don't have to listen to their pitiful comments, their "We care for you", or their "Why can't you just be happy". The one that takes the cake however is "You aren't yourself anymore" and variations thereof; they don't understand. That smiling person before them, the one that will crack jokes, sometimes st my own expense, that isn't me. I have never been myself. In fact, if I tried, I wouldn't even have them around.
Isn't that sad? Isn't it terrible that I am the worse offender in this situation. I fake feelings I don't have. I pretend excitement, joy, surprise. When I get angry, I dont express it facially or verbally. no. I wait until I get home, and punch myself, I throw myself against the walls, screaming at the person staring back at me in the mirror for being so stupid, so stubborn and difficult. That person standing there is a dumb bitch. She can't even be happy. Look at her moronic face, looking for answers in places that don't exist. Don't I feel bad for her? Even now, she's searching, searching to find a reason for these words, a reason behind these thoughts. Yet, all she finds herself doing is seeking attention in the realms of the internet.