I should never have started smoking these things. I should never have thought that it would be all right. I should never have turned to them in times of stress. I should never have given them up for the wrong reasons. I should never have ignored the right reasons.
But damn a jade lighting up the night, watching the smoke rise against the clouds but before the light, feeling the worries pass away...
Because if I am smoking, then I suddenly have a bigger problems. Yeah, confronting people's insecurities is a good thing, watching as someone realizes that not all smokers are evil, spreading a little bit of tolerence is a good thing.
But it isn't why you smoke. It is a side effect. I was doing well, not smoking over the summer, ignoring the qualms I felt, when one of the last concerts we were helping at started. The group had a a friend who came for the open mike. Twenty-five minutes of bad celtic song. All of my worries came crashing in, and I couldn't escape into the music. COULDN"T ESCAPE...
So Kim tells me to just get out for a while. I go, and find myself walking to the corner store. Five bucks isn't that big of a price to pay for peace. Waiting in line, I suddenly wanted to just walk out. Avoid the purchase and my worries, go for a walk, watch something on the net, JUST GET OUT...
And I realized why I wasn't going to buy the cigarettes was for Kim. Not because I wanted to quit, but so that she wouldn't be mad at me.
That first drag felt great. So did the second. And that cigarette helped a lot. Now I have to walk back inside, walk into the music, and just deal with it all.
Fuck that, but what else can I do?