I don't have any secrets. Now ask me if I have any lies. (idea)
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Sat Dec 23 2000 at 6:25:35
Here's a secret:
when I look at myself
it's all or nothing.
more often than anyone might guess. As a function of earlier being told I looked nice today, I feel like shit tonight. He said I looked nice -
nice. Two strikes. What was he looking at, and how can I prove he was wrong? He must have been. He has
or idiot taste. Why do I choose defective friends, what defect in myself am I insulating?
You see how this sort of argument with myself could go on for years.
If you're ever very angry at me and want to teach me a lesson, sentence me to a long bath when I'm in a crummy mood. I keep trying baths, I know some find them soothing in times of crisis, but it's always just me and my thighs swimming in my own scum.
Here's a secret:
my brain is put together wrong. Something bad happens. I don't talk about the details much; everything goes shifty and undefinable. On the edge of the tub was my razor. I looked at it and read its name on its handle and it made me sad, in a rush. The way the letters leaned.
. That's all. And a helpless wave sends me under. Look away, look back, it gets worse. Explain it, can't.
It's not quite
, nor any super-selective aesthetic sense, just a
reaction to meaningless stimuli. I keep telling myself it'll come in handy, but so far it's been like the
sandpaper I have kept
in my junk drawer for five years. What in the fuck do I think I am ever going to sand.
Here's a secret: sometimes I write about people in the present tense just so it will feel like they are still happening to me. Tonight while I lay in the tub grimly pondering, sinking, someone sat on the damp edge and swirled the foam with a fingertip and talked and then let me talk. Nobody, that's who. You can all stop asking if she will be with me for the holidays because she is long gone. There is no one here to stop me from using this silence. I'll go off for a while and slowly remember that I am a builder. Resurface. I'll be back. I'm still shivering.
I like it!
Screaming Bullet of Compact Imported Death, or: How I Found Out My Mazda Protege Could Go 130mph
I look better when I am wet
These people are still happening to me
My soul is so viscous, I fear it may never pour out
Lifetimes are catching up with me
Cigarettes are my personal proverbial Planck's Constant
I see it on the TV and I laugh out loud, but it's the way I feel right now.
Watching my mother die
Now is the time when I start: Drink
You must reboot your computer for the changes to take effect
Words are how we see you. Use them well.
If only you could see what I've seen with your eyes
we could lie and lie
I like you. Now let me tell you all my flaws.
Secret bus driver wave
The terrible standard writer insecurity
The three fatal knife targets above the shoulders
Too many secrets
Persistence of Vision
I will go. I shall go. I'll see where the end may be.
Angel from Montgomery
No Country for Old Men
When we have reached the end of time and light
The Industrial Revolution: Blessing or curse for the working class?
Arthur Dent's Eulogy for Douglas Adams
The White Butterfly
The channels switch, but it's all television.
reaction control system
control moment gyroscope
The pulse of influenza
Prosenoder's Cup 2019
Here's the time I took the blame
poor and rich
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