It truly is the end of the world as we know it.. Bleh.. as corny as that is.. the truth of it sort of makes me pause.. and feel sad over the loss of innocence lost by EVERYONE who's life was touched by the recent events.

I am really torn right now.. part of me feels like just bawling.. grieving for something I believe that is more valuable than loss of life.. and that is the deflating quality of life .. for all .. fuck my belief in the global higher consciousness .. Part of me feels like shaking people.. The loss of life .. now.. or ever.. doesn't need to have it's worth diminished by a world that doesn't choose to seize the value in their own lives" .. And there is the tiredness of just wishing I didn't care.. even though that is something I would freak out about if it happened..

I believe grief and mourning are part of the healing process.. but wallowing.. is well.. just that..

I don't think I have started to grieve yet.. for personal loss.. for the world's loss.. for the pain felt by those I am close too.. close enough to take it on myself for them if I could.

Part of me wants to rush it.. "Ok this next hour will be sad time.." .. but like all things this powerful.. I sort of fear the loss of never picking up all pieces.. or never fully recovering.. maybe it's not about recovering.. as much as never breaking through to the otherside.. getting lost in it's fog.. and never even really grasping the whole picture to begin with..

Last night I met up with some people who live out here.. Some I hadn't actually met before.. hmm.. It was a highly entertaining evening.. interesting mix of people.. which always rules.. I also got to see Nate, who I haven't seen since Dec '99.
I don't think it's acceptable for me right now to.. be the girl.. as in the weepy emotional one.. or at least wearing my emotions on my sleeve ..
damnit.. I just found out about the damn storms and floods back home.. worrying about that.. and the stuff that goes along with it.. even if the storm doesn't hit.. argh..
When I started writing.. whining was not my intention.. so maybe I should end it now.. and try again later..