It seems i only write here when I'm very upset. I must change that. Ok let me get what's inside out, then I will get to good things. It's a shame because I spent most of today glowingly happy. 1) weird fucked up things are going on, and someone is placing blame on me.. even though we both know it's not my fault.. i feel really, really guilty. I get that flip-flop scrunched tummy feeling, when I wish I had a time machine and could fix everything.. 2) i think my dog is sick, he has a weird spine problem. I have had him since my family moved me to florida.. he has been the closest thing I will probably every experience thats like a child. He was the one who always listened, it would tear my heart out .. the look on his face when he sees my suitcase.. he realizes that means im going away.. and he gets all sad and mopey.. ive never had anyone die on me that really meant the world. great grand parents i never knew well, pets i didnt like, people in school that i either was too young to really understand, or too removed to really feel it.. i know this sounds silly.. its a dog.. but i know that im gonna fall apart if my dogs dies.. i cant even look @him right now.. he's in a lot of pain.. .. i feel dumb.. im scared.. my life is gonna be changing soon.. i'm gonna be doing something ive never done before.. go move somewhere and live by myself, and not have a boyfriend or something hold my hand.. my health isnt well.. but the moving thing scares me even more.. i love having my solitude and such.. im basically alone as long as i live here.. and what do i do when days like this happen.. i sit for a little.. not sure of what to do.. and then what.. try to cry, but cant.. vent, and have people know more things they can hurt me with.. keep it inside and explode.. we allknow i will do the right thing.. but sometimes i question myself.. i told someone really some personal stuff... things ive only uttered out loud to one person, or no one.. actually said it.. i trust them.. but it still scares me.. last time i trusted someone like that.. i got burned really really badly.. where they took everything i said and threw it back at me like icy daggers.. with no regard for what it would do, except maybe the slight hope that i'd be crippling. i talked to that guy from my past.. and explained to him why i still care.. and why i still allow him the power to have any effect on me.. i explained my fears of the world involving passion, apathy, and being alive.. i was also able to let him know that.. even though he was a prick to me.. i know its not because he is a bad person and its not because he doesnt care.. he cares very much.. just fucks up sometime.. i also let him know what an impact he had on me, good and bad.. and that he really came through for me.. even if he doesnt think so.. part of me will always love him.. like an old scrapbook that i can look back on and remember how things were.. how i was..