Today has been fucked up. I can't even begin. Let's just say, the almost impossible happened. It's a good thing. A good thing when I have been dealing with a lot of bad things. This good think will be the start of a new path.
I haven't eaten. It's not an issue though. That is actually the farthest thing from my mind. My boyfriend and I had a talk about what I want to do with my life. The feeling of "this is the start of the end" fell over me. I dunno. I really don't know.
I am sitting here.. over-exhusted, because I am a fucking moron. I am looking at my hands shake. About 6 hours ago that would have upset me. Now.. I really don't give a fuck.
My life is so fucked. Yet it isn't. I have people who care about me.. who love me.. I have no right to feel slightly lonely, and slightly removed. I have no right to feel bad. I mean.. the eating disorder. I am the one who starves myself. I am the one who takes dexedrine, for the purpose of not being able to eat. I brought that on myself.
What's so horrid.. my love life. Which is a joke. The past well.. the always womanizing fucked up guy who has been jerking me around since i was 16, until quite recently. Even while he was married. While he talks to me about how one day we would be married.
The present.. I don't know. I really don't know. Part of was tempted to just end it now. We aren't going the same places. One of us is going to have to sacrifice something very importent to make this work. I'm not willing to ask him to make it, although I don't know if I can.
again.. another self-inflicted, selfish thing that creates unhappiness in my world. And I have the audacity to feel bad for myself.
This is just the stuff I have control over. Yet still.. with all the things that mean the most to me, pulling me in every which direction.. where I feel like I just want to scream, or cry, or laugh.. i'm not sure.. I AM ONE OF THE LUCKY PEOPLE!@# I have a roof over my head.. I have food in my fridge, I just refuse to fucking eat it. The sad part is.. I realize what a spoiled, selfish, person I am being.. and I can't help but feel sad.. even when undeserved.