So last night was my last "party night" downtown.. not that it was much of a party.. but I got my drink on..

I was sitting not two days ago
Feeling lonely cause I'm just feeling low
And I asked Henry my bartending friend
"Why is it that there are those kind of men?"

And Henry said
"You're lucky to even know me You're lucky to be alive
You're lucky to be drinking here for free
Cause I'm a sucker for your lucky pretty eyes"

Liz Phair, "Polyester Bride"

I am either a fool, or just pathetically trusting.. or maybe both.. He is either a flake, or a quite dishonestly stringing me along.. I know a lot of this is in my head.. I want to figure out the mystery.. and I know it will reveal itself eventually.. for better or worse.. I want to know now.. So I have to laugh at my own prison of yuckiness I have created.

So the weird thing with me being social butterfly girl lately is.. I don't really get a lot of these people.. between the more than blatant sexual proposals.. fake banter.. and posing.. I don't get it.. Do they really feel as if people are buying it?? Maybe they are.. maybe I am the one who is looking too deeply at a mirage.. everyone knows is a mirage..

The other day I realized something.. one thing I pride myself on valuing substance.. I think all of my friends.. and a great deal of my casual acquaintances are of substance.. There was a time.. high school mostly.. when I was very shallow.. not when it came to judging other people.. but when it came to myself.. I was so concerned and scared about the "image" I put across.. that I couldn't even see other people.. nevermind anything of who I really was.. It didn't matter who I was.. just what other people saw.. during this time I was a downtown girlie.. I knew everyone.. social hugs.. blah blah.. til it made me sick.. I think I am a bit weirded out now.. being in the same arena.. just a bar instead of a coffeehouse.. I mean.. I am all about substance.. but is it being looked at as that.. and even worse.. is it a waste of time to be real in a room full of fake??

Not that everyone is fake.. it's a pre-conceived notion I must admit.. I admit I have that generalization.. but I never apply those to any individual.. I guess it's a pointless notion to have then..

I miss a lot of my friends.. I will see some out in SF soon.. but I miss people I don't know when I will see next.. sucks.. sigh

Can I sail through the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life
I've been afraid of changes cause I built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
I'm getting older too

Fleetwood Mac, "Landslide"

I turn 23 in 11 days.. scary.. I really never thought I'd live to see the day.. from age 7 til about 19 I really thought I would die before then.. I know why.. apprehension and fear of the future.. of being an adult.. of making choices and having to live with them.. or so I assume.