I played Rhapsody all morning. I also moved into my new home office. While playing with pics, I realized that about 52 weeks ago, I cut off 2 feet of my hair.. Rapunzel, I was not.. but damn I miss my hair.. I put pix of the before and after in my livejournal (http://vixi.livejournal.com). Then I messed around with my livejournal colors.. I also started a filing cabinet in my new office.. I guess 50 stacks of importent papers that I almost threw away scared me enough..

(more later)

sometimes i feel really lonely.. just racked by my own personal demons.. my friends are there.. but i dont want to bring them down.. shrinks are paid good money to hear my woes, worries, fears, conclusions..

i keep retreating into my own locked away world.. i have this lifeline.. my friends.. to the outside world.. i keep things like this.. and other projects where i bare my soul.. but its a selfish act.. it's for me.. i need to let the world know i still feel.. and what i am feeling.. as true as i can express it in this medium.. "don't hate me for stupid stuff.. hate me for my selfishness.. my insecurities.. my flaws"

i wanna let it out.. but i'm so scared no one is listening.. someone to tell me if i am right, wrong, silly, naive. stupid.. someone who will tell me the truth.. not what i want to hear.. not something to just hurt me

i feel guilty and petty.. i have people who i believe when they say "you can talk to me".. but i dont.. because part of me fears they will just write it off.. or they are just saying that.. i believe they are genuine.. yet that inner fear is a really hard thing to knock..

the pressures from the outside sources are really hard.. but bearable.. but when im like this.. i just constantly shrink more and more.. my stregnth fading fast.. i need to get away.. but to where.. inside myself some more.. i think anyone would agree that won't make things better.. i hate this.. i know i am strong.. yet i feel so weak.. of course when i need to be strong the most.. ive made it through a lot worse with ease.. i think part of whats draining me is the slow toll its all taking.. no quick downward spiral.. also.. when ive been strong in the past.. anything in the past.. i was a lot more resillient.. age has slowed me down in that aspect.. i am a lot more cautious.. because i know i don't bounce back like i used to.. god i sound 50..

f this.. i need to kick my own ass.. blah blahjkdwhfkwjehfwoei2pqlkdlds

I had a bad spaz attack earlier.. fucking neuroses.. but OPHIE RULES.. I can not stress this enough.. she is amazing.. and i really do owe her so much.. just for being her.. nevermind for being there for me.. I am much better now.. yay.. yayayayay!