You know how it is, the law of toilet paper is always strictly enforced.

When you don't need it, it's everywhere.

When you do need it, it's out of reach.

When you *really* need it, it's nowhere to be seen.

So here is a collection of alternatives to toilet paper for those who find themselves stuck. I'm not saying I've tried any of them, they come from vague memories of drunken conversations with friends and strangers, and my own imagination.

1. The obvious - other kinds of paper

  1. Kitchen towel
  2. Old newspaper
  3. Phone book
  4. mail-order catalogue
  5. bank notes

2. The Infantry Technique - how to make the best use of that last sheet of TP

(as described by an old army friend of mine)

  1. Take your sheet and tear out a circular hole in the middle.
  2. Put your finger through the whole and wipe yourself with the paper and your finger.
  3. Use the remaining disc of paper (is it classed as chad?) to clean under your fingernail.

I'm told that on manoeuvres some (British) army units are only issued one roll of paper each - making the above necessary.

3. More Civilised Methods

  1. a bidet
  2. The Three Seashells
  3. an upturned shower head
  4. a wet sponge (that's how the Romans did it)
  5. your hand - sounds ikky I know - but do you think people in the Third World can afford it?)

4. The Last Resort

  1. Your underwear
  2. The carpet - like dogs do
  3. don't bother.