high in January (idea)

Contrary hand gestures with a hand talker.

The heat of that back car on way to Canada no good place to put your feet and he fussed every time, so loud and so pressed against me. Like he hated and owned me. That’s how he looked. Why couldn’t I see that in his face? Because I so rarely looked at his face! Because I didn’t want him to see mine.

They should go on an investigation of why Mulder is so CUTE.

As a kid, the need to fill my mouth with food. The difference when I started eating around people. No one watched me eat for years. It was easy to avoid.

What else did I agree with me to forget? The depths of your memory, you could surprise yourself with your tricks. plowing through a serving. Never stop. The sooner I could get away from the table the better.

How angry she was when she found candy because she knew I’d been stealing. i.e. taking food I hadn’t asked for. We had to clear foods with her. Can I have an apple? Noah will be the one who can tell me if this is true. Also remember talking about sex – I was filled with hate for her then and could not express it. How dare you try to screw me up like this. It was wrong wrong wrong. She cried.

I try to pretend I don’t have any family. I can make this disappear. My own body if I cannot be in a spot. Worry only about the mind. ALways.

How my throat used to close up in the mornings. Easier to not have to eat. Did I make up the nausea or cause it?

Please tell me it was the queen on the Wendy’s commercial

I think aquarium movie music should make the same sound when you are learning. (thinking/sleeping)

Couldn’t stop myself even if I didn’t want any more. Different flavors kept me company. It was my only sense.

You have to totally throw your love onto a man for it to be valid. How could you love someone less than wholly? cheaters, the knowledge that you don’t really know somebody is like a death and you have to mourn the illusion. What’s on the other side of nausea? A higher plane rare to get to.

woman who like to eat, publicly, rare and attractive

Screaming as a reaction you couldn’t stop doing. The only attack you can think of when you know you’re going to lose. That’s when some people go man, that confrontation too early.

love leads to an unfair advantage where you get to pick and choose who lives, Play God, wouldn’t you shoot him before he killed her? your love would hate death and wouldn’t it die then? or would it be strong enough to forgive yourself for her.

didn’t I go to weird family things with edebroux? Just like with my own family. Why couldn’t I learn from that experience, figure out how to enjoy it? Why did I turn against joy?

A waterfall that crashes down and freezes.

I wont know what I feel about you until I fall asleep against you and I could sort it all out against your chest.

As long as neither of us held the mood of being uncomfortable, as long as our feeling was perfect

You cant close it off against yourself. lines curved in instead of straight ahead. it has to be openminded or it does not count. Without consequence or expectation. I would let him move away. But I would not like it.

The lamers who cant even hold the sign anymore, just walk, like their bodies mean anything. like it is not all advertising. Can a body be its own advertisement?

Do plants have anything to keep themselves warm? Or do they just have a point past it they will die? Live by a number

Jumping, as a kid, just to jump. I would fall in love with a man who jumped

How the last time I hugged my mom, she didn’t hug back. How many times I used that on her. How hard it was to relearn it with Lance in high school. How sexy.

If any man could love my pieces outside of sex – fall asleep with head on my ass, how perfect his hand. Why is the ass a forbidden zone? The phase when my ass was so erogenous and then my breasts. They were my primary sex zones

To relax and not be so afraid. that would be love

Dreaming you could flash fly and be with 20 men at once, aching through the women’s bodies, always pulsing in time.

Death is when you break out of your atoms and go a thousand directions at once, adding your number to everything. How I couldn’t stop shivering when either parent talked to me, the whole time.

Like “pick out an exciting brick from this box of bricks. you can have whichever you want.” trying to get interested.

Will I ever feel like a woman? as in, what I always thought they must feel. A city where everyone was cruel to me, I expected it. When they weren’t I was shocked and couldn’t trust anyone. Never all the way, you know they will betray you. To give up that ease of belief, to suspend it I believed Lance would never hurt me. He never did. Except that he has now undone himself in my mind.

Your mind is like a genius fishbowl seething we cant get to it. why couldn’t I put my hands on it why is that so sexy, to kiss someone’s brain. Not to the exclusion of a body but what a brain. The scalp doesn’t have anything to do with it but you kiss it anyway.

AS a kid you had to stand on the porch and wait for the mom to go get the kid. Rude! Why – both things are outdated. and rude

Every once in a while that lost sense comes back and you can feel the velocity of the earth spinning. That’s when you get dizzy

”Ok fine I’ll fall in love with him.” Trying to sustain a level of want need because it was romantic

These rays are the truth around you. That describe who you are. You have to stay conscious of relaxing them because if they are held tight, you are a phony.

Don’t try to get ahead of time. Just use this moment, don’t expect, just enjoy, Please. There is no such thing as maybe – it’s always a question right up until you believe/decide it. Unlax uncramp it unclench and spread out like a crystalline anemone.

The things you romanticize are the things you know most about. You want to think about it all over again relive every second. People / places. I want to move somewhere to open. Move to a place where I would gain all the stories I needed, know every name, and then discard them and move as if it were a book. Because I thought it was a romantic ending I went back. I forgave James and over and over I’ve accepted Pete as gone forever, mourned him, been through so much pain and then come back. All the change was due to me.

You have to pass on half the motion to your partner, that is love. Wanting him to feel it too. Not being selfish. But not being overblown. Right in the middle. Concern for “love.” My perception makes it safe

What would it be like to wake up in a great mood? Joe Joe Joe. I would strive to wear a skirt, for him.

Oh

please I want to live near you across the street. We could trust each other. I want to start a letter to you and have to explain everything we were too complicated for.

Interest in kissing a woman – high. Sliding scale. Now look at interest in kissing a man – enormous, unapproachable. How suddenly after his strange lips, your knowledge of him will have doubled. The attraction of a man enjoying my body, impossible to even imagine. Like edebroux is in a coma and I don’t know if she is hearing me or if she’s already gone. How strange the tone timbre of your voice would be, reading to a coma.

Me and Pete as Mulder and Scully - mmm – for emergencies - they’re not supposed to kiss but it’s interesting when they do

What’s keeping us apart? I don’t want to end that part. But what is the opposite of attraction that still retains caring?

The fear that there is a common place where we go when we’re unconscious

Can you just come here a moment and see how wonderful it is