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  • I was Jon Cryer and I needed snow peas for the stirfry. I was really happy in the grocery store - I may have skipped down the freezer aisle. I thought, Maybe I'll go to KMart. Jon Cryer would go to KMart. It's kitschy!   Everything was great until I reached for the snow peas and the girls' hands were covering them. They were laughing - "snow peas" was an in-joke from high school, but I couldn't remember what it meant, though I knew it was about me and I knew it was mean. I stormed away. They collapsed in laughter. I went back and grabbed a handful of snow peas and threw them in her face. I bet you're going to think I was looking at your butt. Real funny!   They laughed and laughed and Jon Cryer walked away and then I was the girl.

    I laughed and then I cried; I felt awful. I was crying blood. The other girl poured me some tea but I cried blood into it and she made a face and took it away. On the phone I tried to explain to someone how much I really loved him, snow peas were my way of expressing it.

  • Something with a tiny animal and having to paint signs for the play
  • "The film did well in Paris."
    "Yes, well, you got a D in French at Stoli."
    Squeezing lemon juice. They both knew there was no film. But the cameras didn't know.
  • The Doberman flirters lied about their ages. Didn't matter, we knew they were gay Soho boys.
  • I cracked my fortune cookie and accidentally ripped the fortune The half I read said "freedom on his face."