It was an interesting weekend. I went out on a date Friday night, laid around Saturday, and got up enough energy to pick up a few groceries with my youngest that evening. Sunday morning I woke up determined to get the place clean for Mother's Day. It isn't one of my favorite holidays, I had been invited over to get together with the rest of my family members, but I couldn't get past the way that I felt the last time I saw my mom so I wavered, and eventually skipped it which made me feel a bit guilty at the time. The girls left to go out to eat, I laid down for a while, happy that I had purchased the pale pink pillows that were decorating the head of my bed, but sad that I was alone and lonely on day designed for me.
It was really cold when I woke up, I went to shut the windows I had opened, then realized the cold was coming in from the door that nobody had closed properly the night before. The girls were sleeping and I let them. Sleep is such a high priority in my own life that I tend to do almost anything to let others have it in abundant quantities. The girls came back and handed me flowers, a card, and some chocolate. I thanked them, then sat in bed crying as I told them how I was feeling. Angry, sad, I forget what else I said, but I told them that I felt like a failure and a loser because that was true at the time.
Neither of them said anything, what do you say to a mom who is melting down like that? I was embarrassed to be on stage like this, feeling as if I should have more control over my mental and emotional state, but retrospectively, I think it was better than all the times I repressed what I was feeling only to snap at the later, or have it come out in some other less healthy way. My oldest rubbed my back until she told me that she needed to leave for work. That was very validating and affirming, and I marveled at her skill. She didn't really say anything, just let her gentle touch soothe me, and then I felt worse for placing this burden on her when she is so young.
She still has self harm scars on her arms and probably other places that are less obvious. We are a toxic and dysfunctional group at best, but I keep going to the library, keep listening to my audiobooks, keep trying to keep it clean while maintaining a level of organization, and keep praying for them. I bought a prayer box a while back and I've really enjoyed using it. I write down whatever I want, need, or am thankful for, and it really helps. This weekend was rough, but there was a lot of good in it too. I feel like I am getting closer to some solutions and better identifying what needs to be done next, so I am grateful for that.
One of the things I bought was a vertical organizer. I tore apart a booklet on anxiety, I threw the one on depression away because I don't want to read it or think about it. Perhaps I am depressed on some level, but it never seems to be the curse and bane that anxiety is, I think about the past, but I wouldn't say that I dwell on it or focus on it to an unhealthy extent. The future is of far greater concern to me. My plan is to put these papers into sheet protectors, and put them in my 1 - 31 file so every day I can open it up, and find something in there that will help me. A breathing technique, a way to name and experience emotions, a reminder of what brings me joy. I'm excited for this and I want others to be too.
I paid my rent, but now the company is telling me they don't have the money, but I'm not really worried about it. I'm far less worried than I used to be, and I've learned to differentiate anxiety from worry. Perhaps a small distinction, but helpful in my case. I made a pork tenderloin with asparagus and roasted cauliflower even though I was beyond tired. This morning I saw my youngest and asked what was wrong because she looked dreadful. She said she had been unable to sleep, she has this problem from time to time, and my heart goes out to her. We had a nice little chat about all sorts of things when we were driving in the car together, small moments of healing as I like to think of them. It's getting better, it really is.
P.S. The date was wild, but there were things I didn't like about it and I'm still in the not sure what to think and feel stages of the processing phase.