Not even sure where to start today. Exhausted because Jane is sick and I was up for most of the night listening to her cough, long day at work as a result and it was a longer day than normal since I punched in early forgetting I needed to stay late for a meeting. Said meeting was awkward and uncomfortable. I brought up the schedule and told the women I work with that I can work until 9:00 PM during the week, but then I can only work four days a week, or I can work five days a week, but then I need to work opening hours. I'm frustrated because this was an agreement between me and my boss when I was hired. I got these hours because I needed them to coordinate with the schedules my children had. They were hired for different hours than I was, I feel like no matter what I do it isn't the right thing. Still thinking on how to handle this.
After work I was fried. I realize that I like having a place to go that isn't home after work. I still haven't thoroughly cleaned since I was sick. The girls have made no attempt to clean after I woke them up at 5:00 AM Monday, I know I need to make them clean, I will, I'm just mentally and emotionally drained. We have a book at work that I picked up at lunch. I forget the exact title, it's something like How to Want What You Have and Have What You Want or something similar. It's a great book, I haven't been reading lately, I haven't been doing a lot of things. I'm in crisis mode again and I can't really figure out how I got myself back here, but I now realize that changing my schedule was a large part of it.
Things I did today that made me proud of myself in the order that I remember them. Asked a cute guy at work how old he is. Found out he is 29. Thought he was much younger than that, turns out he's just youthful. Went and paid to get my hair fixed. The last cut I had grew out nicely and I really enjoyed chatting with my stylist. I went back to her to see if she could do anything with the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad cut I received on Monday not really expecting a miracle, but she delivered one. My hair is still short, but now it's sassy and spiky instead of frumpy and unruly. The first stylist did not follow the contours of my head or work with my cowlicks. The second stylist was window dressing, the third one really understands hair and how to cut it so it works with what my hair does instead of against it.
She said that the cut I received was very uneven and that there was no rhyme or reason to the style. Even though she made cuts trimming, she shaped and styled my hair in a very flattering way that makes me look younger and requires a minimum of time, effort, and product. I gave her a huge tip because she got me in right away, gave me solid advice on how to handle the return situation when I go back to the first place, and she soothed my wounded ego by restoring some of my confidence in myself. I consider myself a pretty easy going person, I think I've complained about two other haircuts in the past, I've cut my own hair and had my mother cut it, it's hair, it grows, but this was an exceptionally poor cut. I stood up for myself in front of my daughter, stated how I felt, and removed myself from an unpleasant situation.
Another thing that I did was confront a woman I work with about the amount of cosmetics we have. She inherited a situation, but then she complicated it by ordering even more. I put her on the spot, but I've been silently fuming about that for a long time so despite the tension the question created, I'm glad I asked it. That meeting was rough, but it was nice to have an airing of grievances. Maybe this isn't my place, but I've talked to both of the women I work with who want two days in a row off and given them a strategy that I believe could work if they presented it to our boss. Perhaps it's because they haven't done scheduling in the past, but they're reluctant to speak up and I know from experience that making everyone happy is an impossible task. Someone is always unhappy with the schedule.
Tomorrow I'm going to see my therapist. I need to do my taxes, call the dentist, write some fiction, cook some food, and clean my apartment. I'd also like to open up a checking account with my brokerage firm, get my 401(k) linked so I can view it online. I'm super disappointed with how this firm is handling our accounts. I've been participating since November and still can't access my account online. Probably the biggest accomplishments of the day were both related to Verizon. I did not go to see that guy that I like, I purchased 100 shares of stock in the company, reached out to them on social media, and will hopefully hear back from them on my network extender.
I need to let that guy go. I was thinking about the situation on the way home. He makes me feel safe, he listens, and I feel like he cares in his own way. I think he likes having me around to a certain extent, but I can't let my need for approval get in the way of healthy relationships. I feel like I need his approval, he's a workaholic, I think this is related to things that happened in a past life and I may not ever figure out what exactly is driving this, but I suspect it's fragments from the past that I'm allowing to haunt me. It's a codependent existence and I worked so hard to break free from that when I was married. There's something about him that brings these things out in me which is why I shouldn't keep chasing him. I could have stopped in to get that stupid network extender issue resolved and I'm really glad I got my hair fixed instead.
Despite the long hours I had a really good day at work today. I took a B complex when I woke up this morning. I used to do that in the past and I forgot what a difference it makes in my mood. They're reformulating the kind I used to take so we've been out of them for a while. I can't wait to get back on track and I'm praying that the remodel will be even better than the previous product and not transformed in a way that renders it useless or less effective to me. We had some impromptu training today that was very helpful. I just love my boss and I really care about the women I work with, there's a lot of good at work and this is only going to get better as we learn and grow together. I give, I need to take. I'm learning how to be more assertive and get things off of my chest while taking better care of me. All very positive and not to be minimized or surpressed as I have done in the past. Now is the time to move forward and build on this foundation. Today is a good day to be me, tomorrow will be even better.
Until next time,
J
P.S. I'm good enough. I'm strong enough, and doggone it, I like you people.
Xoxo,
j