Last night the girls and I were involved in a power struggle. I knew things were bad, but I'm still kind of at a loss as far as a plan to communicate and appreciate others goes. It started small, most of the time these types of things do. I asked Jane to get up off the couch to help her sister clean. When she sat there I told her to get up again. She told me I hadn't told her when to get up and that's when I lost it. I explained that I shouldn't have to deconstruct a plain and clear message that an intelligent almost fourteen year old clearly understood and if she wasn't going to respect me and my wishes she could pack up her bags and go back to spend the rest of the week with her dad.
I think she thought I was kidding, but I was very serious. She started crying, told me it was dark and she didn't know how to get to his place across town. I told her that was too bad, but I was positive that a smart girl like her could figure it out. Jill asked if she could go with her sister and I told her that she could as long as the things I had asked her to do got done. The fight escalated, Jane accused me of kicking her out and i explained that I was giving her a choice; participate in household activities and chores, or pack her bags and go back to live with her father. She tried telling me that the cops could pick her up and other people would think poorly of me. I told her I didn't care what others thought and if the cops came knocking on my door I'd explain the situation to them and deal with jail time if it led to that.
After that she told me that she hadn't asked for her parents to get divorced. I explained that I hadn't wanted it either and asked who they thought filed for divorce. They were under the impression that it was me and I set them straight on that matter. Jane is upset because she wants to go to a school that her father has previously said he would pay for and now he's changing his mind about that. He wants her to go to the same school her sister goes to, I told her she needs to talk to her father about this issue. I would like for her to attend the school that she has chosen, but I can't afford to send her and have no power over him. She thought that I had a say in where her older sister attends school and I gave her the facts about that decision as well. I was consulted and my wishes were overridden. Sorry Jane.
I said I was sorry and I mean it. Last night I told the girls that it was my fault that I had led them to believe that they could live in a place without contributing to the upkeep of it. I came home from work last night to find both girls on their devices, they slept until almost noon yesterday, I should have woken them up earlier, that's on me, I get so tired of fighting and feeling like I don't have the strength or energy to battle the two of them. I'm still thinking about this, but I think I'm going to tell their father that I'm done driving the girls to and from school if I don't have a say in where they go. That sucks for them, but he has more money and flexibility than I do, and it is putting a severe cramp in my life to have to deal with a school that is out of my way and not of my choosing.
I hate feeling like this. Like I have no control and no power. This isn't strictly true, I need to take action. Anxiety is a result of inaction. I need to make food, plan out my day, go about my life like I mean it this time around. I need to cut back my food related spending at work and really focus on only putting what I need into my body. Treats are fine, but they need to be an occasional thing instead of a daily occurrence. I need to get out and walk outside, relieve stress, do more fun things, let go what I can't change, and focus on what I can. I have what could be a cute place, but it's been neglected by people who aren't paying the rent.
Not out of the woods yet, already exhausted and overwhelmed, but as I've learned, the work doesn't go away just because I don't feel like doing it.
J
P.S. Had a friend call me which motivated me to get a plan together. Called the dentist and the mechanic. Made appointments for my mouth and car. Going to clean for a bit, do paperwork for a while, and then get out and do something fun.
Much love,
j