Today was crazy mood swing day. I forgot to take my vitamins which probably contributed to the way I've felt. I didn't eat anything, I haven't felt hungry since yesterday. I've been staying hydrated and remembering how much happier my body is when I don't have food clogging it up. I've fasted before, it gets a little easier every time, but the same thing happens when I start eating again. It's beyond frustrating to have such a pathetic digestive system, but I keep reminding myself that every time I do this I've learned more than I have in the past. I know there are a lot of conflicting ideas on fasting. Some people feel that it's very dangerous, it can be. I'm aware of the risks, but overall it's been a beneficial and very positive thing in my life. My two cents - read up on it, the pros and the cons, find some how to do it information if you're interested, and try it for yourself. Or don't if it's not your thing. The last thing I want is for people to think that I'm pushing some sort of agenda.
One problem with things like fasting is the diversity of ideas surrounding it. Some health gurus claim that Jesus and other religious figures fasted. Other health professionals speak to the dangers of not giving your body food. I think this is an individual decision that people have to make for themselves. I didn't plan on doing it the first time. A nurse practitioner told me that she thought I had celiac disease along with other health issues. She said she didn't know how I was even walking around I was in such poor health. I went home and didn't eat anything for five days. I like the idea of listening to my body and responding to it. I'm not hungry. I don't feel like eating anything, so I'm not going to until I want to put food in my mouth again. This isn't like anorexia where I don't feel as if I deserve to eat, I'm not really doing it to lose weight since I know it will come back even if I do. I'm not really depressed, I'm tired, but I have energy to do the things that I normally do.
I'm still interested in the things that usually interest me. My hunch is that I'm at a very important crossroad in my life. I'm making decisions about where I'm going to work and how I'm going to live my life from here forward. I've started doing my Twitter interviews again. In the past 24 hours I've spoken with three different people. A 26 year old baseball coach from California who was very open about his depression and anxiety issues, an unemployed suburban man who wants more empathy and compassion in the world, and a sports writer from Arkansas who will be 48 next week. I spoke for two and a half hours to him. He was very pleasant and easy to talk to, I love meeting new people, and he had some interesting stories to share. I ended up telling him a lot about myself, that's the danger of interviewing people who interview others for a living, but I feel like I can trust him.
This is a good struggle to be going through even though it doesn't feel particularly nice right now. I'm a lot stronger, healthier, and safer than I was. There are still things I need to be working on, but I feel like I'm taking the small steps I need to change my life for the better. Yesterday I was particularly productive. I'm bummed that I haven't heard about the job application I turned in, I'm going to follow up on that tomorrow, maybe the manager is just busy. One super awesome thing that I'm particularly proud of is how I've managed my money this month. It's still early, but we're one week into it and I've only spent $15 in cash and the $25 that I got from my friend when I helped her clean. That is such a great feeling I can't even begin to explain it. I wrote out a check to pay my traffic tickets, they aren't due until September, but I'd like to pay them off and get them out of the way now.
I'm still waiting for Jill and Jane's dad to get back to me on the house swap. I told him I needed money to buy a vehicle, I haven't heard from him in that area either. I told the guy I like that I felt like I was stuck, I cried for a while before I picked up the phone and called my aunt. My mom and another aunt and uncle of mine took her out for her birthday. I would have liked to have been invited, but wasn't. I hate feeling like I'm being left out of things, seems to happen frequently and I know it's because for many years I wasn't the most pleasant person to be around. I've changed and I need to be better about accepting that it will take time for others to notice. I need to tell people I would like to get together, I can host things and celebrate life. Things are actually going really well. I'm more motivated to get a job than I was. I went out and put in a job application. If I do that once a day during the week, sooner or later I'll have a job. I have to do things I don't want to in order to get the life that I want. I can do it. I will do it. I am doing it. Cheers.