Before I was married I was really ignorant. After I got divorced I didn't really realize how many ways my ex could continue to wreak havoc in my life. He gets the tax deduction for our youngest so he gets to claim a dependent for an extra two years, but I'm providing health insurance for her so I'll have to do that for two years longer than he will. He gets that break and I get that bill. This is the kind of thing I never would have even thought about because I'm just not like that. His premiums are coming out of my checking account every month. I told him about this last month and he chose to ignore me for several days. He didn't respond to any of my calls, texts, or emails which is a great way to fuck with another person if you're so inclined. I'm mad. I'm not just mad I'm furious. I'm livid. I want to do bodily damage to him and fuck shit up around the house. I want to cry, scream, foam and froth at the mouth, hurt myself and others and not give a fuck about the repercussions.

I'm not going to do that. I called the insurance company and found out that I need to write a letter to stop an automatic draft. I hate automatic drafts. I want to be in charge of telling my money where to go. His name is still on my accounts at the bank. We still have joint credit cards open so now I have to go through my credit report and get my name removed off of those cards and that will be more paperwork. Divorce is not an ending. It's a different way for you to deal with someone else, especially if you have kids. I'm not here to tell anyone not to get married, I am here to say that I'm going to make sure that I really understand the problems another person has before I ever get married again. I will not marry or date anyone who is irresponsible. I won't go out with anyone who who plays stupid. I will repsect myself and my children enough to have standards and to keep them high so most candidates are automatically excluded. The more choices you have the more bewildering it is to me.

Today I spent more of the morning cooking and prepping food. Next week is going to be a lot smoother as far as meals go. I have leftover turkey that needs to get eaten up, I had that for lunch with carrots and spaghetti squash. I'm making a beef roast, I have chicken, sweet potatoes, zucchini rounds, taco meat, sour cream, diced onions, lettuce, watermelon, apples, peaches, blueberries, bananas, a papaya that I got overcharged for, thank goodness I saved my receipt and looked through it when I got home, and other things in the fridge that the girls can eat. I boiled half a dozen eggs, and have been really good at managing my meals these past two days. I sat down with my calendar and my receipts and faithfully wrote everything in on the day that I spent it. From now on I'm going to do this every day because what you pay attention to in life improves. I don't regret most of the things that I bought, but I'm spending more than I have which isn't good. Getting a handle on food and meals will help.

When I was talking to my aunt she said something that helped me. She said that as she's going through her house she's thinking about how she spends money and collects things instead of just decluttering without examining the behavior behind the initial accumulation. There's always something to do. I put in a long day already so after I'm done with this I'm going to take a break. It's not fair, but life isn't fair. There isn't anything I can do to get back at him, but I can sit here and really wonder at just how screwed up your priorities have to be for you to behave like this. I spent too much money in July. I ate way too much food. I stayed up way too late. I didn't exercise enough or spend enough time relaxing. This month is going to be different. I just wrote down my meals so I can start tracking what I eat, how long it takes me to get hungry, and I'm going to be better about planning which is a weakness of mine in certain areas. Putting water out on the counter helps me remember to drink it. Writing down how much food I ate and how much money I spent show me where I can make some improvements.

Yesterday I got a lot of things done when I went out and what I was most happy with is how I was able to plan my trip so I hit stops along the way. This increases fuel efficiency and cuts down on the number of trips I have to make. I could have bought gas at a place that was closer to my house, but then I would have driven out of my way. Pretty much everything was on my way and that was a great feeling since I so often go out for one thing and then go back out for another. I was organized except for food, but now that I saw my receipts I can address that problem. I feel like I turned a really big corner. It was so hard to sit down and face my calendar, but I know that putting off things I dread only makes them that much worse when I have to do them later. I spent a lot of time thinking as I folded the laundry. I bought some new baskets for us to use at home, I don't have the kinks worked out yet, but the new baskets were a key piece to the laundry puzzle.

What works much better than I thought it would was to fold laundry in my bedroom. I have my ironing board there, I set the baskets out on my bed and kept making piles. I realized I want more laundry baskets than I have. I need one for each of us to put regular clothes in and I'd like each of us to have small baskets for socks and smaller items. I would like a basket for bedding, one for the bathroom, and another one for the kitchen towels. Six large baskets seems to be the magic number, and I think three smaller ones makes sense, but I'll have to try that out first before I go out and buy anything. I bought smaller baskets this time. That was really smart of me because I want fewer clothes in this house and bigger baskets means more clothes can be jammed and crammed into that space. The new baskets are much more attractive than the old ones and they work better too. I put four chairs down in the basement, this is still a work in progress type thing, but my thought is that if I do fold laundry down there, I can put clean folded laundry in a basket on a chair and then everyone will be responsible for taking up their own things.

I still need to clean in the garage. I have more work to do out in the sun porch, and I have to go through more paperwork that I took out of my daughter's closet. I really want to paint the bedrooms so the girls can start having a room of their own that reflects more of their style and personality. It was fun for me to go out and buy them some shirts at the thrift store. I've been thinking about school clothes and hopefully some of what I bought at Goodwill is going to be acceptable to them. I tried to shop for things that I thought would fit them well that were also items I thought they would like and go with a lot of other things. I bought Jill a short sleeved white sweater, I doubt she'll love it, but it will be a piece of dress clothes she can wear as regular clothes. I found a pale yellow shirt with buttons on the side that I hope Jane likes, a black and white shirt with a weird pattern that reminded me of Jill, and a pink and white shirt with tiny roses on it because I've heard them talking about that brand name before. There was an adorable striped polo shirt that I could have gotten, but I left on the hanger.

Overall I feel like I'm on the right track. Some of what I bought was frivolous, but I needed some frivolity in my life. Not a lot of it was things I actually needed so I want to get better about that. I want this house to look a certain way and I'm prepared to spend a certain amount of money to do that. That makes me feel good when I walk into my room at night and collapse on a mountain of pillows or come up and knock out all the laundry I have in a very short period of time because it's so easy to fold and sort things into baskets right away. I'm really tired, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally exhausted. The anxiety medication really helps, but I'm afraid of becoming dependent on it. I did a lot, I faced things that were big and scary and distasteful, I learned more about myself and I took a lot of steps forward that I didn't know I could. So lots done, lots more to do, but I'm getting there. I need to set some more goals, that's another thing on my big long list of things that may never get done, and today, I'm okay with that.