Yesterday was interesting. I was hanging out at home, not really doing much, with no plans to do much of anything. An aunt of mine sent me a text asking if I was going to visit another aunt of mine who lives in the Chicago area. Typically she hosts a Fourth of July party, but I hadn't seen an invite, nor had anyone else said anything about it. I felt like I was probably invited, but I wasn't positive. Meanwhile a sister of mine called to see what I was doing. I ended up driving down to Illinois and I'm really glad that I did. The party didn't officially start until 6:30, but I wanted to be on the road by then so I asked if I could come a bit early. It was really nice to be the only guest there when I arrived. I hadn't packed much of a lunch, but I had a hearty breakfast. I ate an apple and picked up a back of treats at a Walgreens when I stopped.
The drive down was simple, I remembered it well from childhood, and recognized many of the landmarks and street/road/highway names. I don't know why this is, but I have trouble retracing my steps, if I could drive there from memory, why did I have so much trouble figuring out how to get back home? Fortunately I had GPS, and was able to get back on track after a relatively insignificant delay. It was pretty warm so I turned on my air, I had called someone I hadn't heard from in a while on my way back, the conversation continued, and this person told me that they wished that I would get back into footwear. I didn't have a good excuse as to why I got out of it other than I did, and I don't particularly regret quitting any or even all of those jobs. My voice sounded hollow to me, I knew that he was right, I didn't like it, but I had a choice, keep living a life of fear, or move forward.
I slept pretty well last night, woke up, and did a new Pilates routine that I found on YouTube. I also found another face yoga post, I've really been enjoying the poses when I take the time to do them, which isn't as often as I would like. I need some sort of a reminder, I'll probably put one on my phone so I take those breaks during the day. The other day a friend of mine came over to help me with the mattress toppers. I was extremely grateful to have that chore crossed off of my list, she said she didn't mind, but I still feel as if I placed a burden on others. The good news is I was able to free up some cash. I could take back some dress pants I bought. I'm trying to figure out if I'm better off just keeping them rather than driving out to the outlet mall since I have a tendency to buy things, and even though I might theoretically save some money on the items, I may be tempted to spend more, or make an exchange.
What I really need to do is get a better handle on my money. I still want an iPad. I want an MLBTV subscription, I used to watch games and write about the footwear, it would be fun to get back into that, and it would be relaxing and entertaining for me. The other day I bought a pair of sandals and some new socks that are super comfortable. I bought a bag in the sporting goods section, and now I'm kind of mad at myself for getting that rather than the backpack I saw when I was returning the mattress toppers. I don't really need the bag, but I like it. I want a backpack to replace the one I gave to my niece, and I'm also frustrated and annoyed with myself for hanging onto this. I don't know why it's become such a big deal to me. I gave it away, and I need to let that irritation, sadness, and envy go.
Even though I'm still not where I would like to be, and never will be, I'm proud of myself for writing a footwear post this morning. I could have laid in bed, but I got up and decided to be productive instead. Another thing I could take back is a tank top and a pair of shorts, I have two sets, the third is hanging up in my closet with the tags on, I feel like three sets is a reasonable number to own, but I also know that I could get by with two. I don't have a plan, my goal is to get into shape, and since my work week is divided into one segment where I work two days in a row, and one where I work three, I could conceivably keep the outfit and wash all three sets at once. What bothers me is that I am dithering. Keep it, return it, whatever I decide, I need to commit to a strategy and roll with it.
Having two days off in a row really helped me. I was able to rest and relax, I got some errands done, and I'm really happy with the direction that my life is going. I would have had to work a twelve hour day yesterday, and having that time to myself to see my family was rejuvenating. I have money to pay off all of my debts execpt one, and that makes me happy too. I buy things I don't need and that's a habit I would like to change, however, I'm also glad that I am willing to experiment with new things. I can't remember if I wrote about buying a swim bag the other day, but I put my things in that and I was so happy to see a zippered pocket for my goggles as well as one for my swim cap. I haven't been swimming since last year, and I feel like having everything organized into a cheerful striped bag will help motivate me to get back into the water. I enjoy swimming and am not sure why I don't do more of it. Another thing to add to the list, but it's a good problem to have.
All my best,
Jess
P.S. I wasted so much of my life being depressed and anxious. It's sobering to look back and see how low I was, had I only taken some of the actions I have more recently, how much fuller and richer might my life have been?
j