Sometimes I feel like there are no answers anywhere. Different people suggest things to me, perhaps I am depressed or need to exercise, maybe there isn't as much wrong as I think there is. At home I've been moving towards a diet of fruit, meat and vegetables since I gave up grains for 2012. I don't know if that will help any more than the juicer I bought. And maybe I shouldn't have gotten that either since I could have put that money towards other bills. Only I think it might be helping as some of the symptoms I deal with seem lessened.

My oldest daughter is very much like me in terms of her personality which probably explains why we don't get along. Last night I did not sleep well since I hurt my back doing something very minor. After ice and stretching and laying on the heating pad I took a bath. A consequence of staying up so late meant that I overslept this morning. If there are situations you are unable to control you have to find a way to make the best of things, I'm not very good at this however it is on my list of improvements I need to make.

This year my beginner yoga DVD has been getting a workout. My body is very stiff and I'm glad I have the luxury of privacy since I can't do the poses the way they should be done. Regardless of how poorly my body flexes, mentally the video helps me to get away from some of the stress and tension. Next week my youngest daughter starts playing indoor soccer. My oldest will be done with cheerleading at the end of this week. It was difficult for her, when she wanted to drop out her parents insisted that she stick the season out and I'm happy to report that she did.

Watching her cheer was interesting. She wasn't always as fluid as some of the other girls nor did she keep time they way they were able to however she was peppy and enthusiastic in a way that they weren't. Their performance was probably more technically accurate and you can add a discount for parental bias but I thought she was more interesting to watch than the other girls. Her skirt was too big, my daughter is trying to grow her hair out and she's starting to get into the awkward, rebellious, pre-teen years that I remember as being so challenging.

This year I've been taking the girls to the gym after school. It's a place where we used to go quite a bit and then I got wrapped up in myself and let illness rule my life by allowing things that had made me strong in the past slip away. Reading Ancientsnow's daylog was simultaneously horrifying and reassuring. As someone whose digestive system is set to chronic malfunction I can't imagine what laxative abuse would be like although I can relate to having self and body image issues.

Several times I've tried writing about the various disease and conditions I have. Every time I stop and I'm not really sure why. Maybe I want to write something personal about life after diagnosis and feel that people searching for information are looking for a medical terms and explanations. Writing about certain topics is also depressing and upsetting. I never want to go back to the times when I would be driving somewhere and think: what if I sped up and drove into a massive concrete embankment?

Today I am focusing on several postive things that will allow me to move closer towards peace. The other day I met a woman I went to high school with. I had some reservations about meeting her however she said two things that stuck with me. Before her mother died she had a surgical procedure that left her with the mentality of a four year old. My friend said that in the three weeks preceding her departure from this earth she was able to spend time with her mother that allowed some of the wounds of the past to heal and close.

The other thing she said was something I'm still thinking about. Today my new computer arrived from California. Before I was excited to think that I could pick up where my old job left off. Now I'm not so sure that selling diabetic footwear is really what I want to do with my life. My family is pushing for me to enroll in a dental assisting program. Strangely, the woman I went to high school did that. The past few months I've been considering options, choices and what talents I have that could be applied to different areas.

Some time ago I met this woman at the spring. She was filling her water jugs, I don't remember how we started talking however I feel fortunate to have met her. We were talking about lifestyles, she follows a raw vegan diet, at the time I think I thought her diet seemed extreme however I went home and did some research on the 80-10-10 diet. Since I bought a juicer I have been including more fruits and vegetables and I haven't lost any weight but I've noticed some improvements that have given me hope for the future.

There are other layers of my life where confusion and chaos reside however I have chosen to deal with things one at a time since I have a tendency to take on too much, get overwhelmed and want to give up. An excellent article on not making New Year's Resolutions has helped me see that every day leads me to different choices. I'm happy that this year I have embraced: juice, yoga, faith and the sauna. Maybe my body doesn't work the way I want it to, maybe I didn't like what I thought I had previously but at least now I have a plan to trade weakness for strength.