How to scare off men in a personal ad (poetry)
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Sun Nov 19 2017 at 21:50:32
After one gets
, the inevitable
questions about dating arise. I've given
it some thought; considered strategies,
and realized I could use this place and
my friends to get some feedback.
About me: I'm roughly five feet tall,
my hair is dishwater blonde, and my
eyes are usually called blue when in
fact they are bitter and green. I have
two children, they are my everything.
Health and wellness are very important
to me. I work at a small organic
health food store and I spend most
of my meager paychecks there. I
an extremely strict diet
is difficult to describe as it isn't
any other simple appellation.
Nobody who kisses me willl be able
to eat wheat, potatoes, or bananas, ever.
Honesty is important to me.
What are your views on women?
Maybe you think I should be in
barefoot and pregnant
are not on my agenda. What I'd
really like is a man who loves
to do the
. Bonus if he
does windows and likes to pick
up after teenaged slobs who
sleep until at least noon.
I like to write about
and feet. I'll be judging you
from the moment
they come into view. Oh, by the
way, I've been told that I'm
difficult to get along with, that
won't be a problem will it?
I'm not easy and you won't
get laid. Sorry buddy, not even
if you buy me
Opposites attract so I really need
a man who is at least six feet two
inches tall, he can get things
down from the shelves and dust up
in the corners. My bedding is pink
and puffy, I have a quilt that is
patterned with roses, but I'm not
a flower person, he doesn't have
to buy me anything other than
red wine and dairy free chocolate.
Sex is fun
to talk about and I
love to be kissed well by a man
who knows how. I could die if I
tangle tongues with Mr. Wrong,
but I'm looking for the Dr. Henry
Jekyll rather than his alter ego
. I never watch TV and
don't own one. I don't do movies
either. I can watch hours of
Most of the time I can't sleep,
be prepared to be woken up
by a woman who has nightmares,
, and has spent time
at a mental hospital. Did I mention
my children are depressed and
we don't have the best relationship?
I love them more than life itself,
but I don't want any more and I'm
not about to babysit for anyone else.
Well dressed men please me
I prefer late model foreign vehicles
, my favorite
color is black. I don't have a lot of
clothes, I dislike using the dryer so
I hope it's okay that our clothes is
laying around my place. I love to
iron and don't mind stripping for
you as long as you are well hung
can find the G-spot
Since I'm super emotional
a rational man
is good with money and
handy around the house.
I love art, long romantic
walks to the ball diamond,
making a mess in the kitchen,
and imported toiletries. I could
tell you my age, but I like
and what fun would that be?
This is rather longer than
I thought it would be, but
my goal was to paint as
precise a picture as possible
given these limitations.
Interested applicants should
include their credit scores
and most recent tax return.
Recent pictures? Why on
earth would you need those?
Hopefully my friend is
right and the man of my
dreams is right around
the corner. People have
no idea what us women
go through, especially
those of us with children.
It sucks to be single, but I'm
confident that this ad will
I like it!
Anybody who gets married before the age of 25 scares me a little
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