The last time I went to the library, I checked out Emotional Freedom by Judith Orloff. I've listened to it before, on the way to visit my family who was vacationing 'up north', and I'm really into it this time around in a way I don't remember being last time. The other day a guy I sold TV services to called me to set up an appointment. In my mind, this meant that he and his wife were ready to pull the trigger on their 5 line port from another carrier. This is a sale that would be worth driving into Milwaukee for, only the wife was there to get information, and now I feel stupid, and pretty angry. I have no problem driving 45 minutes to another location, but if you specifically ask to see me, and you know that I am making a special trip in when I normally work at a different location, then showing up without the devices and information I said would be needed is downright rude. Perhaps another rep could have gotten the sale, I don't really know. Part of it is they travel internationally and I don't know much about how our company handles those calls. Lesson learned.

I ended up having a pretty decent sales day considering I was only there for about five hours. I was actually the top sales person today, but I didn't sell any broadband or TV services. I am a terrific sales person, but I'm really questioning whether or not this job is a good fit. There are things I like about it, casual dress code, freedom from a desk, relatively close to home, ability to earn commission on things I sell, but there are downsides too. The other day my boss said he didn't think this was working out, and I have really been thinking about what he said ever since. I made a mistake on Valentine's Day. It was a big mistake, but if nobody ever tells you that customers are ineligible for an upgrade for six months after they come over from another carrier with their own device, there's really no way you can know that. That was just part of the mistake, the other segment was something I should have known, and didn't. I'll own my part, but there are several components when people make mistakes. Is it on them, is there poor training, or are multiple factors at play?

The other day I walked into work to see someone I didn't expect to see there. At that moment a scene from a year ago replayed in my mind. I saw myself getting fired again, and knew that it was not going to be a very good day. But rather than walking out, or losing my job, I had a chance to talk to our district manager. He said that his concern was that I wasn't going to be able to sell entertainment services, and at this point in time, I should be able to, having been at the company for almost six months. Just in case things go south in a hurry I redid my resume, and started applying. I have an interview on Tuesday, and got a call from a guy on Friday, but I haven't heard from him since. I ordered TV service for myself, and so far am not impressed. Maybe technology just isn't my thing. On one hand I work part time and I'm able to sell with people who work full time, and should theoretically be making more than I do, so I have that going for me. On the other hand, I really need to be much better at this kind of thing, and I'm working really hard for not very much money in a field I don't enjoy so there is that.

Thursday afternoon I sent my youngest back to the doctor with my oldest. She is still coughing, her throat is red, raw, swollen, and painful, and she had a strange thing going on with her eye that I thought may need medical attention as long as she was going anyways. The doctor she saw, or possibly it was a nurse practitioner, prescribed an inhaler, I don't know why, but whatever. She's not wheezing, presumably it will open up her bronchioles, perhaps that is the logic behind that. There's a condo I might be able to afford and I might reach out to a realtor to see if I can view it. The neighborhood isn't fantastic, but I can't expect much for my budget. The other day I had a really good conversation with the father of my children. Parenting is a strange long term game. I learned a lot about what is going on with the girls from him, and then I felt kind of bad that neither of them had told me about the things they had been going through and experiencing. I rarely told my parents anything, so I'm not too worried, but it hurt my feelings a bit.

The other night I stopped to see my youngest sister who was cleaning out her room when I arrived. She gave me my Christmas present from my mom which was nice. I can always use cash, I shared some of what I was dealing with and listened to her explaining the saga behind her leaving her job and taking a new one that is a bit further away. My sister is a collector. She had a stash of office supplies, and I came home with a container of Lysol wipes, two safety pins, a bottle of wine someone gave her before she left, and an umbrella for my youngest. I do not know how my sister manages all of her things. This is not a criticism of her, we each have our own styles, I have a lot more going on in my kitchen than she does, I also cook a lot more. I love her dearly and pray for her often, but we are two sides of the coin when it comes to storage of objects that one might consider sentimental.

Being loved is a really cool experience. It's strange to feel this at 44, and I wonder how much of it I missed out on earlier when I didn't know the signs and symptoms. I've heard that it is hard to screw up the right thing, and this is so true. Romantic love is great I suppose, it would be great if I had someone to snuggle with at times like now when I'm freezing cold and dead tired, but the other kinds of love are perhaps more enduring. I don't know how I fell into this, I only know that it hasn't gone away, become diminished, or in any other way shrank. Even when I doubted, and pulled away, it was there for me. It makes nights like these a lot more bearable, and I really look forward to the time we have together, especially now that I've better learned what to expect. There are certain images that are burned into my brain, I picture myself replaying them when I am in my eighties, nineties, and beyond if those years are granted to me. The funny thing is I didn't really do anything, and that's the magical beauty of it. Being loved for exactly who I am in this moment is humbling, and making me tear up tonight. There is pain associated with it, but tons of joy too. May your lives be enriched with love as mine has been transformed.

All my best,


P.S. Things are going to change, I can feel it. Also, I finally signed up for the insurance classes and I'm so very glad I did.