Today is Pearl Harbor Day in the United States. My boss was telling me how her dad had memories of the day even though he was only four years old at the time. I had a very strange day at work. Normally I get up early, today I decided to sleep in, last night I had a really bizarre dream that included two people from work and two family members. We were taking some kind of class and I can't imagine a scenario where that grouping made sense, but dreams being what they are, that's what we were doing. My phone woke me up, a friend of mine was calling to see if I would give her a ride since her husband had her car and she needed to go borrow her mom's car. I agreed, but told her it would have to wait until after I was done working.
Normally I have a lot of trouble getting along with a couple people at work. Today I was able to get along fairly well for most of my four hour day. There wasn't a lot to do at first, actually there was a ton to do if you're me, but since not everyone is the other person I was working with stood around, wandered around, and managed to waste a lot of time without doing anything productive. I've wanted to tell my manager something for a very long time and today I had my chance. One of the reasons I usually don't waste a lot of time being nice to lazy people is it doesn't change anything and only ends up exhausting me, but I ended up staying forty minutes past the time I was scheduled to leave because someone else stood there chatting to a vendor.
You might wonder why I didn't speak up, I was so angry when I finally noticed what was going on I didn't trust myself to speak, and then I was in such a hurry to get out of there I didn't feel like I could spare the time. I picked up my friend and we had a good conversation about the past, her pet, and assorted other topics. She burned her face and I forgot to pick up something for it from work. I hate it when things like that slip my mind. It makes me feel like a bad friend and even though I know I'm actually a very good friend, it was upsetting to me. On my way to the library I started thinking about work. I thought about the things that bother me most, and I decided it's my manager's feelings, her personal and professional suffering, and the company's bottom line being negatively impacted by people in my department.
Today I asked my manager if I should say something about the people I work with talking to people who I believe have a romantic/sexual interest in them. Both of these people have partners so my take is that this is a form of cheating. I doubt either of the people they are with would appreciate video of what goes on at work. Maybe don't tell a guy he smells nice in the break room if you already have a boyfriend and you know that this guy likes you. My manager told me it wouldn't do any good and would create further problems and I've been there long enough to know that this is probably true. Today I realized that I could take pictures with my phone, create a spreadsheet, and come up with a pretty close dollar amount of how much a woman I work with has spent buying things that aren't in our budget.
I want to expose her to herself, and I know that the price would be high to pay. It seems grossly unfair that we have the good people that we do being penalized by these other people, but this is also every company ever, and also not my responsibility. It was a slow day at work and I spent a lot of time just thinking about various things. A customer ran into a display and broke some glass water bottles. That will impact our bottom line and frustrates me since the display is flimsy, this is not the first time this has happened, and will probably not be the last. My unicorn friend was sick today and I really missed her. It was like a cloud cover at work without her brand of sunshine. I went on break with myself and chatted with the woman who had called me the other day.
One of the managers seemed extra friendly today which I thought was strange, but whatever. There's a guy at work that I do not like. My friend thinks that he is cute and I do not understand her point of view at all. I thought about it for a long time and then decided I had to say something. I knew I was probably going to come off as hysterical and I doubted I would be taken seriously, but I felt like I had to say something and even though it went about as well as I thought it would, I'm glad I put in my two cents. Let me preface this next part by saying something that will come as no surprise to anyone who knows me well. I like men. I enjoy talking to them, I like sex, I prefer men to women in most situations, they tend to make sense to me, I'm not generally afraid of them, and I like their company.
This guy makes my skin crawl. Today I told my friend that I felt like he was the type of guy who would rape someone. Maybe that sounds like I am a drama queen, or I am being unbelievably harsh and judging someone I do not know well. I don't care. That's how he makes me feel. Today I was in the break room when he entered, I was there with other people so I felt okay about that. I ignored him and he ignored me. I left and he probably did too. Later on in the day I was up in the break room when I saw him again. He gave me this huge smile, I had already been smiling so I smiled back at him. It was super creepy and made me very uncomfortable. It reinforced my belief that I had done the right thing by speaking up despite feeling incredibly foolish before, during, and after the conversation.
I went back to work and had to interact with him again when he brought a customer over to me. After that he came over and explained that he knew I would be able to help someone better than he could. This was true and sounds nice, it probably was a nice thing to say. I decided to converse with him and even showed him where we keep the coupons because as an employee, he should know. Normally I open that drawer without thinking twice about it. Today I felt like dark secrets were being exposed when I pulled on the handle. He left and I was grateful. Part of me knows that I don't know this guy and another deeper part doesn't care. I am extremely scared of him and having to work with him is, it's hard to explain how I feel, I didn't like him before and the feelings have intensified instead of abating.
My friend thinks I am crazy, this is also probably true, but again, I don't care. She thinks I am being prematurely judgmental, I think she's kidding herself about him. Do I really think that this guy is a rapist or would rape someone? No. Do I think he is a Certified Grade A Creep? Absolutely. There's a lot of people I don't love at work, nobody else there makes me feel the way that he does. I can't explain what it is about him, he bothers me in a primal way and I really hope and pray that I am wrong about him, but a part of me thinks that he is no Sunday School teacher although I admit that he could be. My friend admits that he makes her slightly uncomfortable, but she thinks I ought to give him the benefit of the doubt. I'm really glad this day is over, I had some fun with my friends, but it was unsettling to say the least.
Another thing I want to say is that I really like one of the new women we hired. I like a lot of the new hires, that guy being the obvious and glaring exception. Part of me doesn't even want to write this because I can hear for myself how ludicrous it sounds, but I've learned to trust my intuition and I will continue to be extremely cautious around this guy. I'm not going to ignore him anymore, not because I have a problem ignoring people I don't like, but because I don't want to be on his radar and I think that ignoring him provoked the extra big smile and I want to be invisible to him and others like that. I'm glad I got this off my chest. Maybe I am super wrong, that would be a comfort, until then, I'm going to watch myself and others around him.
Tomorrow is Friday and I have a paycheck coming. My oldest will be coming over tomorrow, I have Saturday off and I'm thankful for that. I feel like I just have to get through December. It tends to be a tough month for me. It reminds me of being in the psych ward and an outpatient program. It reminds me of going home to an empty house and seeing frozen snow through the window panes in my bedroom. It reminds me that I am alone and since the girls are going to Florida with their dad, I will be colder and lonelier. This sounds depressing, but I'm actually in a good place emotionally. I feel fortunate to have the friends that I do, I feel like my book is going well, my life is tons better than it was last year and that was way better than it was the year before that. I won't even discuss the year before that. Progress, let it continue.
Until next time,
P.S. I really feel bad about this situation at work, but I can't help how he makes me feel.
P.P.S. Still trying to think of a gift for my manager. I want to get her something really special, but what?