Today my husband yelled at me for giving people what I think is right
for them instead of what they want. I said that I wanted to be loved,
he said that he wanted love. I told him that I loved him. He didn't say
anything back to me. He says that he wants a clean house. This is
probably true, but the truth is, a cleaner house isn't going to make
anyone happier than they are now.
Practically every day, I feel as if I am swimming upstream. The other
day I took the girls in to see my mom who had just come in from her
smoke break. When she asked my children what they wanted for Christmas,
my daughter said she wants a new American Girl doll. Instead of nodding
or writing that down on her list, my mom tried to point out that the
dolls were expensive, and she had cleaner for the pen marks that mar the
skin of my daughter's current doll. She tried to fix the problem for my
daughter by telling her that what she wanted wasn't a new doll, what
she wanted was a clean doll.
My youngest has three American Girl dolls. She combs their hair,
changes their clothes, and sometimes I have to ask McKenna what she did
at school when I pick my children up. McKenna is the latest addition to
the collection. She plays a variety of musical instruments, she has a
lot of cute clothes, she's a gymnast, and it's pretty amazing what my
daughter thinks that this doll can do.
Yesterday I went to church with the girls. My oldest wanted to
practice the clarinet with her friends, but after I couldn't find her in
the church basement last week, I told her she was going to have to come
up with an alternate plan for practicing this week. This morning my
husband said that the girls don't respect me, because I don't give them
what they want.
On Sundays, the girls sit close to me, they put their arms around me
or sit on my lap even though they are much too old to do this normally.
They tell me they love me, and they do sometimes fool around, but in
general, it's a time of peace for the three of us. If my children are
disrespectful, that is their problem, as long as I'm doing what I should
be doing. The other day Jane left the light on, and Jill left
grapefruit rinds on the seat of my car. I specifically asked both of them to take
care of these issues, they didn't, so I dropped them off about a mile
away from home after explaining that I was willing to give rides to
people who respected the interior my vehicle.
No one in my family picks up after themselves. Games lay on the
floor, food bowls stay wherever people put them, I like to drink hot
water, sometimes I find mugs in places where I didn't think I would have
left them. This is my problem, and their problem. It's a family
problem. My leaving mugs about does not affect the ability of my
children to put their games, toys, and books away. The other day my
daughter was crying because she didn't have any pajamas to wear. I pick
up whatever clothes my children leave on the floor, the girls have to
pay me to get these items back, if they are unwilling to pay, the
clothes stays with me until they can come up with the money.
My point is that I am not a perfect person. I could spend all
day cleaning, and have, without recognition, or any lasting effect on
family harmony. I'm mad at my husband for not supporting me, he's mad at
me for not keeping the house as clean as he would like it to be. He
says that all I do is complain, and I do complain which is something I
need to work on eliminating as my life is really quite good, with no
cause for complaints as they are the manifestation of inner discontent
and imbalance.
My inlaws gave very generously when we celebrated at their house. I
remember sitting on an overstuffed chair, amidst a snowfall of discarded
wrapping paper thinking that we must be done with presents, but when I
looked beneath the tree, it seemed as if the pile hadn't shrunk at all. I
was telling my aunt that I didn't like celebrating Christmas Sunday
morning because we couldn't go to church. My inlaws probably spent
hundreds of dollars on me, my mother will probably give me cash for
Christmas even though I told her that there wasn't anything I wanted or
needed that money could buy.
Although the gifts my family received represent a considerable cash
outlay, they didn't bring my family true happiness. I've been thinking
about people who are spiritually bankrupt, things are never going to
provide the same peace of mind that non-material possessions can. Things
like hope, laughter, real joy, there are many searching for these
things who are willing to accept lesser, hollow imitations, and I think
that's sad. I'm still reading my books, I've been trying to read a bit
in them each day, and I'm reminded that my situation is a product of my
choices and decisions in the past, so if I don't like where I'm at now, I
need to become a better decision maker.
I don't really know what to do about the situation at home. I'm not
sure if I should spend money I don't have to go see a doctor, a shrink,
or just keep doing what I'm doing, but step up the self improvement
books. I have let myself slide backwards. I've let go of habits that
were building me up, and I need to find a way to return to doing those
small things that kept me grounded. Doing the right thing gives me a
great feeling. It empowers me, I feel charitably inclined towards
others, optimistic, and solution oriented.
I've failed many people in many ways over the course of my life. My
birthday is at the end of the month, I'm not sure how I feel about that.
It's just another day, like Christmas, New Year's, and other Hallmark
holidays that corporate America has cheapened to fatten their coffers. I'm thankful that I have people who are supportive, encouraging,
and reach out to me during dark times. I used to think that I had to do
things for other people, I thought I could somehow help them, the sad
realization is that I am only one person, and people don't always want
others to reach out.
I hate Christmas. I hate the empty spending, the wrapping paper the
ends up in landfills, the endless assault of sweets and junk, but I love
my family, I love the people in this world, even those who do not love
me, because the world is a lonely place, filled with those who are
hurting. Love to me is wanting the best for someone else, it bothers me
that my husband does not value organic foods because I don't want his
body damaged by pesticides, or deprived of important nutrients. He
doesn't care about vegetables, I don't care about a super clean home, my
children are caught between two fanatics dedicated to becoming martyrs
to their own causes, and that's probably worse than the burden of dirt
or conventional produce.
I'm going to close with something I found on Twitter the other day
that I feel are words to live by. "If you're going through hell, keep
on going."
P.S. If the world does end, it's been grand getting to know the friends that I have made here.