Every August 1, I think about the day I got married. I didn't really want to get married, but I felt as if I was too far into it to back out at that point in time. Then my mom came to me and told me that she thought I shouldn't get married. Not long before that my grandmother on my father's side wrote telling me that she didn't think my parents should have gotten divorced. Had my mom come to me and asked if I felt ready to get married, I would have said no because I am fundamentally a truthful person, but as soon as she told me what to do, or in this case, not to do, I went into rebellion mode just to spite her. This was very immature of me, and may be a reason why I stayed for as long as I did and put up with things I should not have for the length of time that I did.
Today I went swimming after I came home from my massage. I did not want to go swimming. I wanted to lie down after calling in sick to work. But some inner voice told me to go put my suit on, grab my bag, and walk down to the pool, so I did. My latest audiobook is Gretchen's Rubin's Better Than Before, and it's already grabbed me with much greater force than The Power of Habit did. I think part of it is because her approach is so personal. She reads the book as if she's having a conversation with you rather than reading words off of a page. Her voice is fairly deep, it has the ring of authority, but she also questions herself and is honest when she doesn't know the answer to a question which I find refreshing.
Gretchen divides people into four categories; Upholder, Questioner, Obliger, and Rebel. Upholders are people who commit to schedules. Others can depend on them, and they can depend on themselves. Questions are the people asking whether or why something needs to be done. They tend to be their own authority and will reject the authority of others, even experts, if it doesn't jive with their inner understanding. Obligers do things for others, but aren't as good when they need to be accountable to themselves. They'll meet a friend to go for a run, but have trouble lacing up their footwear when they're on their own. Rebels break all the molds, you can't tell them what to do, and they can't either.
While I was listening to the book I started wondering what I was. I could see certain aspects of myself in each category so when I came home, I took the quiz. It came back with Questioner and I suspect there is a lot of truth to that, I am not an Upholder, and definitely not an Obliger, but on more than one occasion I have been called a rebel, however, if a Questioner only follows their own internal logic or rationalizes things that are illogical to others, I can see how that might seem as if someone is a rebel without that actually being the case in real life. I wonder if a distinction needs to be made between someone who is unconventional, and a true rebel.
Now that I've made the case for Questioner, I have to consider an opposing argument. Questioners do things that they want to do, but sometimes, I really want to do things, I even like doing things, yet I resist for reasons that remain cloudy to me. If I love to exercise; swim, walk, bike, etc..., why can't I get out and do these things on a regular basis? I desperately want the benefits they offer. I have everything I need to go for a daily swim. I own good supportive shoes, I have a bike that I used to ride for miles, to the point where I had funny patches of hair that were significantly lighter because the other part was covered by my bike helmet. Now the bike tires are flat, my jeans don't fit, and my shoes are cute without having many miles on them. Why?
I don't know if I'm rebelling against my own internal version of who I think I should be. There's some other reason such as lack of sleep, stress, or maybe I am more obliger than I would like to confess to being and really need a walking buddy or someone else to ride with on occasion. The problem with that is my tendency to resist people who run, bike, swim, yoga, etc... together. As soon as I'm asked to commit to something, I immediately think of ten thousand valid reasons (and many invalid ones) why participating in that group activity is going to be a strong no, and it's something I really struggle with because one of my biggest self described complaint is loneliness. Anyways, I understand myself less than I did before, but at least I'm enjoying the book.
Xoxo,
J
P.S. Work was really something today. Glad I got in that swim before I left.
j