Last night nobody slept well. I went to bed thinking about my oldest daughter, around two-thirty I woke up and started crying, I was up on and off for what was left of the darkness. Yesterday I took the girls shopping. We didn't find a shower curtain which had been my main mission, but I found Jill some strappy silver sandals that she likes and will go with her dress. I bought each of the girls a purse and we stopped and had some ice cream bars that we ate in the car along with cheese sticks and lemonade. Both of the girls need new shoes, they could use some summer clothes, and there's things that I want to be able to buy for them that I can't right now. Today my bank has two very small deposits from the brokerage firm where I have my retirement accounts. I'm going to set up automatic withdrawals which I know I need to do. I'm glad that I'm moving forward with this, but frustrated that I waited this long, and more than frustrated that my husband still hasn't done anything with retirement on his end. A company he works for could offer him a regular job, a friend of his asked why he would take less money, but from my point of view, we could use health insurance and other benefits more than we could use the cash since it has a habit of getting spent without addressing these issues.
I never want to write about these things. This isn't true, but it's as if writing makes them more real somehow and if I don't put them down they're less painful to think about. I haven't been the perfect partner either. Far from it, but it's very upsetting to me that our priorities are so divergent and he controls the money. I don't like feeling as if I'm making excuses. I could leave, not long ago I read an article that leaving used to carry such a stigma and now the shame is staying when you could go. It isn't as bad as it was. He's trying and he's done a lot of things to change since January of 2014. I am very hard and unfair to people at times. I withhold forgiveness and am something of a moving target so people can do the things that I used to want while I'm off and doing something new. He tells me I have the power to change things at home. To some extent this is true. I can do what I want if I'm willing to deal with the consequences associated with my actions.
He says that he's very happy in every other aspect of his life, but I'm making his life hell here at home. He wants help with food, but when I try to discuss it with him he says he isn't going to follow the plan so then I get frustrated and annoyed and give up. For many years I was upset when he wouldn't come to bed with me at night. I remember yelling at him and slapping him when he was staying up until two or three in the morning playing video games. I didn't know we were paying for a second phone line at the time and it's things like that which erode trust. He had a four year old daughter when I met him. He didn't want more children so he had a vasectomy. I was crushed when I found out. I knew I wanted children, I liked the idea of children. My uncle once told me that he knew what some of the problems were going to be when he got married, but underestimated the intensity and the fallout. I think I know what he meant. We have the love languages book. I feel loved when people do things for me. This isn't the way that he shows love. He feels loved when I'm affectionate and I have a hard time with that.
I kind of just don't care anymore. I don't care what he finds out, he has secrets, I don't think of myself as a secretive person, but there are things I wouldn't want others to know about me. This new contract was supposed to bring in a lot of money. I haven't seen any of it. I don't know where it's going and I can ask, but that isn't really the point. He feels as if I'm issuing ultimatums while I feel as if I'm standing up for myself and the girls. A lot of people would consider retirement and health insurance big issues and because of the way I grew up, they represent a measure of security to me. There's something wrong with me. I shouldn't feel this way. I'm better than I used to be, I take a lot of vitamins and minerals and not feeling as horrid as I used to has been nice, but I'm still not functioning at a level where I feel like I would have the energy to hold down a full time job so I could get insurance and benefits on my own which is what he suggested when I told him that I was very concerned about not having coverage. I know it's expensive, a lot of things in life are expensive. To me that's just part of being a responsible adult.
It's a bright and sunny day even if it's still chilly. I need summer clothes, but I don't feel like I have the money to go out and buy some. Part of that is on me. I get money that doesn't have any restrictions. I feel like it's wages and my performance probably hasn't merited a lot of extra bonus money, but I also feel like he has a responsibility to support his family and I could go out and get a job, but I remember what happened when I was working full time and carried health insurance for our family. He would never tell me how much he made so for years I scrimped and saved and used credit cards because I honestly thought he was that strapped for cash. I was so naive and that still hurts to think about. I know I wrote about going to the bank and qualifying for an auto loan, but receiving a higher interest rate despite my good credit score because we had so much consumer debt I didn't know about. I hate living like this. It isn't good for any of us and I worry about the long term affect it's having on each of us. I could go in a lot of directions; I'm sad and hurt, and furious, most of all with myself for not realizing that I was voluntarily agreeing to a partnership with someone who had no intention of ever being what I considered a partner. I'm not stuck, I'm smart and resourceful and I don't give up on things as easily as I used to, I have friends and they help and care, and this is on me, but I can get support from others when I need it.
I read a book that talked about the frozen core inside of some people. I feel some of that thawing so regardless of how difficult it is to keep waking up and going to bed with the tension and fear, I know that I am taking steps that will get me closer to healing and that's what I have to focus on right now. Yesterday someone I know called. I shared a few things with her. I intentionally pulled back from the things that I had been doing for myself. A couple months ago when I was at the chiropractor I saw a woman on TV who apologized to her kids for ever letting them think that she wasn't a worthwhile person who put herself first in the sense that you can't care for others if you're not taking really good care of yourself. When I was talking to my sister she was telling me how she saw me. I didn't recognize the person she was talking about, and I want to remember what she was like again. I used to be more of a go getter, someone who made things happen rather than letting things happen to me and others. I've stood up for myself and done my own thing more lately. Sometimes I've spent too much time here and on Twitter. There's nothing wrong with hobbies and outlets, but blind escapism is a bad idea so I'm trying to be better about cutting back and I have made a lot of strides there.
I hate it when everything seems gloomy and negative so I want to share something interesting. I lost almost everything I had on my phone this past weekend. I haven't really let myself think about the people whose contact information I had in there that I can't retrieve. I'm thinking about giving up my phone when the contract is up because it would be a way to save money and I really don't need a smart phone as it makes it a little too easy to hop on Twitter or text my friends instead of paying attention to the people right in front of me. It's become a crutch and I don't need it to help me through life anymore. A couple months ago I met a girl who was tending bar at a restaurant I was at. We exchanged numbers and I didn't think I would hear from her again until she reached out. We went shoe shopping and I had a wonderful time with her. She offered to give the girls singing lessons and I sent her a message about it, saying that maybe after school was out would be a better time. I'm not sure, but I think I found her on Twitter. The other night a girl I don't know was retweeted into my feed. I started following her and suggested other baseball friends when she said she was looking for cool people to follow.
I took a second look at the profile picture of the woman who says she's from Milwaukee. I'm almost positive it's her and for some reason that made me very happy. She's smart and funny and so beautiful, not just her face and hair and body, who she is inside is beautiful. I could be jealous of her, but she's so nice I can't be. I don't think I will say anything to my Twitter friend just yet. I tend to be a very impulsive person and that usually doesn't end well for me. I'm learning how to be more patient and that's paying off in many areas of my life. Even if it isn't the girl I'm thinking of, whoever runs the account is hilarious and I'm glad that we had a chance to connect on Twitter. I don't spend nearly as much time there as I used to, and that's a good thing. It means that I appreciate people more when I am there, and there's less of a chance that I'll fatigue them with a barrage of tweets since I tend to tweet a lot when I am there. I have a couple things I need to do today. Not things that I want to do, but things that will make me feel better when they're crossed off my list. This is just a season in my life as an author I sometimes read says. It will change and I can be a harbinger and agent of the change I want to see in my own life again.