Last night I took my oldest daughter shopping for shoes to match her graduation dress. I had been searching for some notebooks like the banana paper ones I had found last year, there is a company that makes a banana paper notebook, but when I ordered a batch, I was very disappointed in the much poorer quality and increased price. My daughter went through many pairs of shoes trying to find a pair that she liked. I thought a pair of dark silver sandals would have gone well, but ended up shelling out almost a hundred dollars for a brown pair of Michael Kors sandals with straps. After finding the sandals, we should have left, but then we saw a purse that she liked and then we found bags that I liked and pretty soon we were in dishes, having gone through the clearance shelves and pajama section. We found ourselves in bedding and then we were onto pillows. For several years I've wanted a set of Turkish towels, or at least I thought I wanted a set so when I saw a set of two hand towels in with the tablecloths and placemats, I put them in our cart.
The next section featured planters and I could have dropped a bunch on the colorful pottery that I had seen elsewhere for much more. In the bedding section I wanted new sheets and a pretty quilt. My daughter found a throw blanket that she kept insisting I buy for her. It was fun shopping with her so we kept on pushing our cart down the aisle, debating whether we should get this thing or the other. I found larger Turkish towels in the clearance section on the far side of the store that my daughter felt we should put back. I did put a couple of things back because I was alarmed at the growing pile in our cart, but then we started picking up pillows to show to each other. One thing that I like about shopping with my daughter is she helps me get out of my comfort zone, but I retain veto power. When she wanted sequined pillows with sea creatures on them, I admired them with her, but told her I was concerned about the upkeep and eventual deterioration so we moved on from there.
A problem I've had in the past is trying to find an overriding and unifying theme at home. We have assorted pieces of furniture, some of them are actually on the nicer side, while others are pieces I've rescued from the side of the road or a local thrift store. We stuck with a nautical theme despite not having anything else to go with it at home and ended up buying six pillows of various shapes and sizes. When my in-laws moved I grabbed their Welcome to the Lake sign that had hung in the back hall for as long as I could remember. Now I'm kicking myself for getting rid of it, but I hung onto it for months without finding a good home for it. We don't live on the lake, but we're close enough to get away with a sign for it and it held a great deal of nostalgic value for me and the rest of my family which I didn't realize until my daughter brought it up last night.
When we came home I discovered that my youngest daughter had made hamburgers for us. This is the kind of thing that sets me off and I'm going to discuss this when I see my therapist next. Instead of thanking my daughter for making burgers which is what I should have done, I saw the mess that she had made in the kitchen and that tripped some sort of internal trigger I have. Immediately I felt overwhelmed, stressed out, and blew the actual normal meal time prep way out of proportion in my mind. I regret that now, it wasn't a conscious decision, it wasn't a decision at all really, just a surge of intense emotion that I'm sure goes back to days when an authority figure would come home, see the kitchen as less than spotless and go off on me or others who were close to me.
I've been careful about what I've spent lately because I'm trying to be better about managing my finances. I didn't have a budget when we walked into the store and that was part of my problem. I wanted to buy my daughter a pair of shoes that she really liked and I didn't discuss what that meant in terms of money. What I wish I would have done is told her that I would like to take her shopping, explained that we had a budget of X to her, and then let her choose what she thought would work best within the confines of that budget. I should have gone down the aisles, looked at things with her, and then added up our purchases to see how much we would have liked to spend rather than carting everything up to the register like I did.
Last night I bought a new calendar that I'm hoping will help me with my time management issues. It has monthly tabs and larger sections behind the month at a glance where I have space to write in appointments and other reminders. I don't know why I have so much trouble managing my time. I can organize a lot of things and I'm usually very good at seeing patterns and recognizing what needs to be done once I can figure out what the problem is, but for some reason no matter what system I try, I have difficulty getting the things I want done in a timely fashion. I have an organized life in so far as certain areas of my life are organized, but there's an underlying disorder and that really bothers me.
The pillows my daugher helped me pick out are an improvement and, I think, a step in the right direction. My oldest is flamboyant and has a bold color palette. My youngest daughter's favorite pillow is the navy and white striped one with anchors on the flip side followed by a boring tan pillow and a patterned blue one. Her palette is very refined and elegant, she can appreciate subtlety in a way that my oldest and I cannot. Had I gone shopping with her I would have come home with a different assortment of pillows, there's not really a right or wrong here, just different ideas and people and opinions who are sharing a common living space and trying their best to take care of what they need in their lives.
Today I'm happy that my calendar helped remind me of calls that I had to make. My youngest needs a $1200 orthodontic appliance and I had to reschedule an appointment for my oldest since I didn't realize she had a scheduling conflict. I'm supposed to be planning a party for my daughter's confirmation and birthday and I'm very unenthusiastic about it because my house feels so chaotic and unstructured. I want a routine, but I don't want to stick to one and maybe it isn't anymore complicated than that. A positive in my quest for more and better sleep. Last night I took half of a melatonin and I think that is the dose that works best for me at this point in my life. A whole pill is too much, a quarter is insufficient. I like the feeling of being drowsy in my bed and waking up feeling as if I have slept better than I have in the past.
I have a lot of problems with impulse and self control. I feel like things are urgent when they are not and forgo other things that are more important to get those things done when they don't need to be accomplished at all. My sister told me I have kicks, if you've followed what I've written for any time, you've probably seen them come and go. I rarely abandon things entirely, but I get bored with whatever it is and move along to the next thing. I'm not sure if this is good or bad or it just is, but I hate feeling like this. I should either make my peace with being impulsive or try to find better ways to manage and cope when I get these feelings. Being indecisive and agonizing over past decisions is a waste of time. I need some better strategies. I need to move on and go forward and learn new behaviors that will help me along the path that I haven't chosen to go along previously. But I feel better about things than I did before, and I'm more optimistic and encouraged than I have been in a long time.
P.S. I meant to make a list of things that I like and enjoy doing and am good at, but I forgot that this was on my agenda which is another thing I get frustrated about. I'm going to start writing down things I would like to write about in my calendar and see if that is a more effective plan than just trying to remember what it was I meant to write about when I sit down to write. On another note, I found some notebooks that aren't the best, but I think they'll work and I'm excited to have them and start writing in them, but first, I'm going to make myself finish the notebook that I've already started because there is still paper in it and I can overcome the desire to write on fresh clean pages.