If you have never been through this I'll do my best to explain.
Should this be an experience of yours then you know what I'm about to
say. The setting could be anywhere you find a fairly large group of
people hanging out together. Initially you might seem alone however what the other party goers don't know is that you had a
previous connection with someone else in the room. After
making your way into the kitchen you realize that the person you were
formerly intimate with isn't going to greet you. Later on you get a
muttered 'sorry' when he has to edge past you. Other than that one word
exchange his conversation is directed at everyone else but you know him
well enough to realize that at least fifty percent of his offhand
comments are oblique references to conversations the two of you shared.
Lies he told you echo
in your head while a friendly smile turns hostile when you cross his
line of vision. Another sip of your drink does little to cool your
smoldering rage. Quickly you swallow a six month build up of choice
words you've saved especially for a moment like this knowing that people
will think you're jealous instead of someone with a
legitimate grievance. Around you the party is in full swing. Your
former lover is laughing, his speaking voice is just loud enough for
you to hear about the female friend responsible for his fabulous mood.
Mingling couples laugh at a joke he stole from you. Mentally you prepare
a withering speech that will leave him under your heel for good.
Fifteen minutes later you're outside crying even though you've told
yourself he's not worth it.
Alone with the moon you tell yourself that anyone could
put gas in your car but he did it without being asked because he knew
you were sick. Eventually you remember that he confided in you when he
found out his dad was losing his job. You were also the first person he
told about his mom having cancer. Idly you wonder how she's doing now. She was always nice to you, both of his parents were. Tomorrow
morning you're going to wake with a start. Past events spin through your
muddled mind. You're cursing the few drinks you had wondering what
exactly you said and who knows what about your past. You thought that
was all behind you and it was until you saw him with a drink in his hand
and a disingenuous
Nervously you watch him watch you wondering if you
should start talking, afraid that he won't say the words you want to
hear. Last night he could have taken advantage of you, you would have
given him whatever he wanted. Supposedly all he needed yesterday was a
place to crash because he was tired of his roommate's girlfriend being
over every weekend. Crazily you wonder if you could forgive him for what he did to you and what about that guy you went
out with the other night? Before he says anything you give him a quick
kiss on the cheek. A fresh beginning is what you need. You tell him as
much as you walk out the door. Maybe today he'll call, maybe tomorrow
he'll realize what he gave up. Until then you tossed the ball back in his court and
maybe that's where you both
need it to stay.