Game: Custer's Revenge
Alternate Title: Westward Ho
Platform: Atari 2600
Developer: Mystique
Publisher: Mystique
Rarity: 5 Rare
Release Date: NA: 10/13/1982
Genre: adult platformer
Players: 1

Why am I writing up an old Atari porno game, you ask? Look at the release date. October 13, 1982. Now ask me the exact date I was born. If you're not prepared to be blown away, I suggest you avoid reading the following sentence. I was born October 13, 1982. I have truly arrived. I came into this world the same day that Custer's Revenge, a pixelated representation of one man's erect journey to make it with a pointy-breasted Native American woman tied to a pole, was released to the US public. This game, along with the other Atari 2600 porno games, paved the way for the stay-at-home pervert. Sure, Leisure Suit Larry is more fun, and Gals Panic is a nifty puzzle game, but where would the lonely USian be if Mystique hadn't taken those first steps? He'd be importing a copy of Sexy Beach 2 for the PS2 and not understanding a word of it, that's where. He wouldn't understand a word she was saying! So sad.

Custer's Revenge is a platformer. Our hero must avoid obstacles such as arrows fired by Native Americans. They must be jealous that the pointy-breasted lady prefers Custer. Either that or they're doing a really bad job of trying to rescue her. Determining which scenario is true, I leave as an exercise to the reader. Character motivations aside, the platforming is rather dull because it's so easy. Obviously, the developers didn't want one-handed gamers to get frustrated so they wisely chose to tone down the difficulty.

Phenomenal. That's right. The graphics on this Atari 2600 game don't disappoint. If you can't get off watching your pixely white guy drill that pixely tan lady, there's something wrong with you. Sicko. The detail is exquisite. Custer is wearing a wide-brimmed hat, some kickin' rad cowboy boots and a scarf. What a pimp. Also, he sports a full erection. For those of you who are interested, his penis is four pixels long and one pixel wide. To serve as a comparison, his thigh seems to be about two pixels tall, and his shin/knee area are about the same. Custer is hung. No wonder the Native American lady is just waiting there for him at the end of each level. Speaking of the Native American woman, she is only wearing a tasteful headband with a large feather sticking out the back. She's pretty well endowed, too. Anonymous Native American got back. The landscapes are what you'd expect from a 2600 game. Blocky and monochrome. You won't be paying attention to it though. You'll spend all your time wondering how Custer manages to have a dick that's the same length as his leg. Damn.

Final Verdict
If you can find this game, buy it. If they have two, buy both and send one to me. I don't expect you'll play more than once, but it's a great conversation piece. "Hey man, you wanna play my pixel-porn 2600 game?" "You know what'd be great? Watching Custer nail a Native American tied to a post." The conversations start themselves. And, honestly, who among us doesn't want to own a piece of video game history?



AFTER THE FACT WARNING: This writeup contains sarcasm and, hopefully, humor. I am in no way condoning the emulation of the actions portrayed in this game.