Ahem.
At this time I would like to 'offer my services' to Brian Urlacher, international Golden boy and Middle Linebacker for the Chicago Football Bears. I understand that he has a large house, and most certainly he and his wife have their hands full taking care of little Pamela AND playing football for the Superbowl Bound Chicago Bears. So, it would be in their best interests to hire a 'housekeeper' to 'assist' with any 'duties' that need to be 'performed'. For instance, I would be happy to 'polish the trophies' at any time, as well as 'organize the game balls'. I'm particularly good at 'dusting the banister'. I will gladly keep your 'pipes clean'. Or perhaps I could 'neaten up the bedrooms' every day. Or keep the 'basement warm'. I would be happy to 'clean out the bathtubs' and 'fold towels'.
I will take care of your child and provide you with another one if you so desire it. Whenever you asked, I would be happy to 'give you something to eat'. If you are otherwise 'locked out' I will 'let you in the backdoor'. I will give 'backrubs' and 'front rubs' and whatever other kind of rub you may need. I will 'wax your car'. I will 'iron the ties'. I will run out to McDonald's and buy you a 'quarter pounder' when you are 'craving it'. I will also 'make tacos' if you are so inclined to have them. And perhaps your wife and I could 'work together' to make your home a more 'inviting place'. I would like to 'get to know both of you' in a purely 'professional' manner. I find you to be 'intriguingly witty' and 'talented'. I would like to 'apply lotion to your body' and 'dress you in the morning'. But I digress.
Please /msg me at Everything2 if you're interested in my offer.