Jessica Turns Thirty

edited to note: I turn thirty on September 25th. But my husband claims that he never knows what to do or what to this is a list submitted in preparation.

By now I should really have everything I’ve ever wanted. At least, that’s how I pictured it when I was seventeen. I said, actually, "When I’m thirty, life will be great. I’ll be a movie star and I’ll be married to Mark Grace, living in Chicago on Lake Shore Drive, and we’ll have babies and a pool and I’ll be able to go to every Depeche Mode concert I want to."

So here I am! On the brink of thirty. I DO live in Chicago, but I wouldn’t freaking DREAM of living on Lake Shore Drive. Haven’t seen Depeche Mode since 1990. I’ve replaced them with seeing Rammstein six times. It’s almost the same. I do have a dog, and she’s sort of like a baby, as far as demanding help with her toileting and food prep. And I married an actor/english teacher who likes baseball…so that’s sort of like Mark Grace. And thank GOD I didn’t marry Mark Grace. He’s so OLD.

But there are still things I want. Rammstein Live in Berlin on DVD for instance…is a gift I would enjoy. And why can’t anyone find me the Mutter video on VHS or even MPEG for God’s sake? Speaking of that, I’d like to take a trip to the Mutter Museum in Pennsylvania…so I can finally see a REAL jarbaby.

I’d like a t-shirt from the Chicago Fire Department across the street from my office building, engine 98. They’re so…



I’d like Brett Favre to fail.

I’d like Jim Miller to succeed.

I'd like a big white cake with lemony filling and thick, sugary white icing and big yellow and pink flowers. I want to blow out candles and make a wish.

I’d like to have another spa day…massage, facial, manicure, pedicure, haircut, luxuriant bath, a shampoo and scalp massage from a well muscled, German cabana boy, champagne and then dinner at Wildfire.

I’d like to go to Brookfield Zoo. I’d like a coat like the one in xXx. I’d like Pitch Black on DVD. I want to sit down with Vin Diesel and give him lessons in how to kiss a girl. I’d like to have the energy and time to start up my own business so I can work at home.

I’d like just a little PEACE AND QUIET, is that too much to ask? I’d like someone to tell me how to get rid of the stupid Launcher on my iMac…and some good tickets to see the Blackhawks play the Blues, right down on the ice.

I really want to go back to Vegas and stay at the Bellagio. I want to be a ‘high roller’, a ‘whale’, but not in the actual, weight-of-a-whale sense. Which brings me to my desire to lose 35 pounds, fix the shape of the back of my head, and get a tattoo.

I want an old copy of A Tale of Two Cities with an old inscription on the front cover from one lover to another, dated sometime in the 1880’s or some such crap.

I'd like to know what it's like to be beautiful...devastatingly beautiful, and have a flat rock hard stomach. I want to live in Gwen Stefani's body...if only for a day.

I want a book of Jan Saudek photography. I'd like the book of photography called Men Before 10 particular reason. I’d like to add to my tiny but growing collection of "Naked Trees". I would like a bottomless basket of bathtub supplies…mud packs and bubbles and scrubbies and oil and salt and fizzies and mitts and all that stuff.

I’d like the fitted sheet and mattress cover to STAY ON THE MATTRESS.

I’d like to spend an entire day in bed with a big pile of magazines and people serving my food and drink needs.

But these are just suggestions people…You've got about a month to plan it. I mean really…what I’ve always wanted…is for you to SURPRISE me.